slight rebellion off bellflower

i don't understand how there's so much dust in my room. i keep a box of swiffer duster refills in here because it's so bad. i find i'm constantly dusting everything.

i cleaned my room and was up until about 4 am this morning. i should get my laundry out of the wash, get all my clothes dried and folded. i think i might go through my closet today and reorganize. i wish i had a real closet.

took down that huge hairspray banner. i put up my framed explosions poster and my new, old jets to brazil poster. i think it needs to be framed as well. it looks odd right next to the explosions one, kind of naked.

z called before i woke up, i guess his car got broken into last night. and you know what they stole? his chrome bag, some work shirts, and his red hoodie. i feel sort of responsible for the hoodie being stolen because i was the one that threw it in the backseat right before i got out of his car. it was on the passenger seat floor. oh, he also called to tell me he might not be able to make it to dinner tonight.

falling slowly

every time i hang out with him i just like him more and more. this is evil! i was so set on just dropping all contact with him. i am so confused about him.

cursive was good, and z was right, the last time i/we saw them at the troubadour, they were better. but i still had a good time anyway. i invited him to dinner with christina, scott and i tomorrow.

came home to find my newest purchase in the middle of my room - a record player. it's been a year since i sold the one sean got me for christmas. and i went for one of those crosley ones. it fits my room anyway.

listening to perfecting loneliness, feeling down. feeling down.

love stoned

do i feel guilty? yeah, i think i do. those are always tricky grounds though if you have no dating history with a person you're into, and they end up liking one of your friends instead. still a tangled web!

explosions was cool last night, aside from the drama. i guess i can't even really call it drama. james was nice. he's a quirky guy. i don't know if i mean that in a good or bad way just yet.

i'm lagging on getting ready to meet scott and christina for the movies/foods.

i've only gotten 2.5 hours of sleep today, between harbor house and the beach with luke to thinking i had to work at 830 am. work was a blur. actually, this whole day kind of was.

how many more people will i have to meet to reassure that my feelings for z are true?

tally ho!

sitting in front of a 7-eleven by christina's building, technically on
the way to explosions in the sky with christina, scott and james.

not bone thugz

somewhere in that big blob of light are a bunch of people grinding on
girls they pulled from the crowd. insane.

sugar lumps

I've given up sex and cigarettes for the summer. It's been going
pretty well so far.

Hoorah!

Sent from helen k's iPhone

sitting on a swing, dangling her feet

i hate waking up from sleeping in a sad mood. that's the kind of mood that's been dwelling in this house lately. my mom hasn't been sleeping in her room, and her boyfriend hasn't been around. should i wonder why? everything's probably alright, but everyone just seems sad. money is always an issue. i dream about that now.

also, started my period today. so THAT was what all the major cramping was about. i should've known. maybe jamie is on her period too. i should ask.

getting lunch with aaron at 12 today. i should get ready. gotta head to christina's after.

check, check

it hasn't been my day for a couple years now. what's a couple more?

all day i had been thinking on what i was going to write and put down in this big letter that i was planning on sending to z. i'm not in the mindset to write it right now, but now i'm reconsidering writing it at all.

got shitty last night at tara's. i woke up in my bed at 6am, wondering why my retainer wasn't on and why i was still dressed head to toe in the clothes i went out in. that's what i get for drinking st. elmo's, right? i was a bit of an emotional drunk last night, but i think it had to happen. i drunk dialed/texted again, i need to break that habit.

sunny day real estate reunion tour tickets go on sale tomorrow at 10am. bone thugz tomorrow night and explosions the day after. hanging with scott should be interesting, to say the least. i wonder how this following week will play out.

the best

slept terribly last night. i kept having nightmares as i was going to
bed, so i continued to wake up to get out of those nightmares.

charmageddon

chris pine? not cute, but i dig his style.

luke and i have a bet that started on the 22nd, and it's going to end september 22nd. both of us can't smoke for a whole season, or else we face very serious consequences. we'll see how that one goes.

death is such a strange thing. emmie called me earlier today and told me that the thai embassy called her mom and told her that her dad had died. he jumped off a building, on what i was assuming was father's day (or the day prior). it's been about five years since the whole incident happened. i didn't know what to say. i'm going to get that call one day, too.

9 crimes

i shouldn't even be writing in this, i have to get ready for bed and be up around 730-8 ish. can't be late tomorrow. i just got ak3's goddamnit, jonah's and and kid dynamite's cheap shots, youth anthems LPs in the mail when i got home from hanging out with luke.

ALSO in the mail was jets to brazil's four cornered night. on the paypal invoice inside the bubble wrap, the sender wrote a ps.

it says, " P.S. I just found this poster. Not in the greatest shape, but I thought I'd throw it in!"

the poster is a poster for the release of jtb's four cornered night.. it's pretty big and has crease marks and all, but i'm so excited to have it. something else to frame and put up if/when i move out.

hanging out with luke was super cool. we went to cha and went to dean's after. he was really into the pizza, which was awesome. i showed him my yelp review in their book. he reminds me a lot of patrick, only 7 years younger.

i've also decided to move on, regarding the z situation. i can't be making more excuses for him because now it's beginning to sound like bullshit even to me. and christina needs to be over scott asap. maybe after the explosions/cursive show, we'll both be fine (or more than we are right now).

i love being on the friends ladder. and those on mine. no sarcasm.

disillusioned

last night was interesting. christina's party was a little bit awkward, to say the least. eclectic mix of people there. i knew that there weren't going to be too many people. her apartment is kind of hard to get to, la is far.. all of that.

anyway, z, her and myself are all sitting in her room. christina is asking him questions about hers and scott's situation, which is basically her asking about my situation indirectly. and not unexpectedly, he gives us two way answers. which means nothing was answered.

more later, have to get ready for work.

when it hurts so bad

i remember being a kid one problem could upset me enough to cry about it. and then i forgot about it right away. getting older, i cry less often. it takes a lot for me to cry, but when things seem overwhelming i just can't stop. every time i do (now that i'm older), it's always so much more intense. the feeling lasts.

square one

i took nicole to pure luck tonight (for her first time) and it was awesome. those spring rolls were super good. the food is always so filling. but we were so full we couldn't go to scoops after. ben kweller is such a little man! but it was a super good show though.

why does everyone think i'm afraid of being alone? i fear death by a serial killer WAY MORE than being without a relationship. just wanted to throw that out there.

no more hanging out with dudes. things just get weird. i was having a text conversation with z earlier and mentioned that i was leaving la. and he asked me if i was up there for a booty call. and THEN he proceeded to ask me if there were cute indie boys at the ben kweller show. i get the feeling that he thinks that now we are under the impression that i am moving on from him, he thinks i'm going to hop on another dude. i'm going to hope rans didn't mention anything to him.

the sad part of it all is that i'm not over him, but as i said earlier.. i'm not going to do anything about it. this is how i think summer is going to play out: i will get little to no attention from z. he's made it clear he doesn't want to date me. but the more time i don't spend with him and the more i learn about him, i just see that i'd want to be with someone like him. i'm not going to waste more time with getting to know new people if i don't really want to. i just want to keep my good (preferably girl) friends around, just hang out and sail through summer.

i have to open at work at 830 tomorrow, come home and get ready, go to z's show with amber and head over to mewithoutYou right after. sunday night is christina's summer solstice party as well. looks like i'm spending most of the weekend in la.

twisted

lagging super hard on getting my day started right now. slept in, i remember getting up a couple times to start the album over on my ipod. i know as soon as i start getting everything ready, i'll be moving along just fine. it's getting started that's the problem.

why do i feel like everyone is conspiring against me? or is that my guilt that's making me feel like that? can't really tell the difference here. megan told me that i'd have to be ok with losing friends, that's just how the way things go. i can't keep everyone in the friends category if they don't want to be there.

it's too cliche

this is my second time listening to slowreader. the first time i was riding in z's backseat, with stephanie in the passenger seat on the way home from polar bear club at the knitting factory. this was may 6th.

i'm a little bit sad.

you win some, you lose some

my first real crush happened when i was in the 3rd grade (if you don't count fernando in kindergarten). i'm talking telling each other you liked them crush. his name was brandon. we're friends on myspace now, and we could not have anything less in common.

i think about that sometimes when i think about past relationships. it makes me know a little bit more of what i'm looking for in a relationship now, sort of. there's always a checklist.. or guidelines. i usually let one or two things slide, but look at where that's gotten me.

1. must be tech-savvy and preferably uses a mac, so he can fix my computer too. (G and josh lose here)
2. must talk in text/email/any other form of communication that doesn't require speaking as if they were speaking to me in person. that means no unnecessary periods, exclamation points or spelling errors. (G loses here)
3. must have good personal style, you have to care about how you look to some extent. i know this sounds shallow, but look at josh and G.. big mistakes. josh cared too much. g cared too little.
4. must have similar music taste, or at the very least, taste in GOOD music. even better if it's a wide variety. (stepan, jr, kevin, josh, G all lose here)
5. must be open to veggie foods (G loses here, josh and Z win here)
6. must have opinions about things, even better if there's some knowledge/reason behind it (Z wins here)
7. NO EGOS. period. (seth and G both lost here)
8. if you're going to talk about something, know what you're talking about. i remember G and i had this petty argument because i told him cries of the past was my favorite underoath album and he said that their first album was the changing of times. he was so convinced i was making it up. what a moron. this goes hand in hand with ego. you just have to be able to accept when you're wrong.
9. know the meaning of compromise. meet me in the goddamned middle. (everyone loses here)
10. modesty. this is also a big one. (Z wins)

i'll add more as i remember. but these are BIG points.

that is a sweet earth

i just found out amber is friends with hot irish guy i met at work. his accent - such a turn on. but he kind of looks like a sleazy hipster. but that's not the point! he is still nice to look at.

she won tickets for mewithoutYou this saturday at the el rey. so the plan is, we're going to hit up z's show first, watch his band play.. and speed over to the el rey and watch mewithoutYou play. so fucking excited! amber called when i was on my way home from picking up my work key and asked me to go with her. that was a good end to a sort of lousy day.

i don't want to go over the details because i've talked about it too much today already. but i hate shoplifters, and coworkers are getting on my last nerves.

busy bee

today was mostly just running errands. super busy. i got a new ipod today, finally. the 120GB black classic. i will love this as if it were my child. all i need now are super obnoxious wesc headphones.

very little talk with z today. that's ok. i guess that might be what i really miss most, the talking. but what can i do, right? i'm going to his show at the knitting factory on saturday, with aj i think. as far as i know, nicole and i are still seeing ben kweller on friday, but i believe nicole is super sick right now. if she doesn't get better, i doubt she'll be able to go.

i thought i had something to say earlier today that i wanted to write about on here, but i seem to have forgotten. must be at work on time tomorrow, i can't be late anymore. i have to leave the house by 830. that's in roughly.. 4.5 hours. i set 6 alarms. i better not sleep in.

also, i'd like to point out how much i dislike lake forest. or the people at least. i understand it's a bro town, but you don't have to be a dick to everyone! i'm serious. some douche bag flashed a peace sign at me (to mock me?) while i was eating with my brother, sister and emmie around 1am earlier. i wanted to put my cigarette out in his eye.

not insomnia

this isn't insomnia. this is just a result of me deciding to take a nap at 7pm and not wake up until 1am. during times like these, i feel what i should be doing is reading/watching tv on dvd. what am i doing instead? i'm downloading music, weeding out duplicates in my itunes, adding album art.. basically fine tuning my itunes library. i either need to take more vocabulary or reading comprehension classes or read more. i'm losing it.

i still want to move out by the beginning of this next school year, i should probably get that figured out. i'm looking for places in costa mesa. it's in between work and school, and it isn't terribly expensive. i don't even know what i'm saying. it is expensive if you have credit card debt (i do). so yes, it is expensive but i'm going to try and enlist my uncle for help. whatever works.

time traveling and tunes

i made plans with andy benudiz last night to go to the shark club tonight. and i made plans with chris as well. while i was napping i dreamed that i actually went, but i slept through real time when it could have been happening. i was sleeping from 7pm-1am. i woke up for minute intervals to respond to text messages, but all in all i was pretty out of it.

i would like to address a blog post i read yesterday. in the post, the author wrote, "Just because a band isn't some teeny pop band with bad haircuts and neon colors doesn't mean that they are not worth your time and energy." maybe he hasn't been keeping up with the bigger bands today, but none that i know of wear neon colors and the bad haircuts are subject to opinion (i think the author has been spending too much time in hot topic). if i had to think of 3 really big bands (in terms of "alternative") right now off the top of my head, i would have to say they are:

1. kings of leon (i think they're pretty good looking dudes)
2. fall out boy (not so much)
3.


fuck if i know, i couldn't think of a third. consulting itunes for help only led me to the jonas brothers.. who obviously don't belong in this category, so we'll leave it at two. in the blog post, the author was complaining about how much of the industry is just a numbers game, and how good bands get overlooked because they aren't wearing neon colors or have bad haircuts. i would just like to throw this out there: good bands aren't together for the sole purpose of making money, so not being on a major label or going on a huge tour or getting promoted isn't really a big deal. in my opinion, only mainstream bands or artists can really survive in the industry because you have to be able to appeal to a wide range of people (something that a lot of bands probably don't want/can't do). most bands survive off touring and selling merch nowadays. but you know what? that's ok. it's something everyone should be familiar with by now. since the rise of the internet, the cd was doomed to become extinct. i too am guilty of not buying cds, but if i like an artist/album, i will buy the vinyl.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, guess who just won four cornered night on white vinyl? me! after losing out on diary on green vinyl, i couldn't lose this one. not to mention, it was only 26 dollars. i think that's a pretty sweet deal.

basically, my point is that if a band is doing what they love because they love doing it, the money/fame thing really shouldn't be a factor. if a band breaks up, they break up. big deal. it's not like it wasn't bound to happen anyway.


"it's not what you sell, it's what you make." - jets to brazil, all things good and nice

re: tardiness

driving to work right now. i was supposed to be there an hour ago. i can honestly say that i really did sleep through my alarm, and that i'm going to have to put some of the blame on my dream last night. if i'm having a really good dream, that means i'll be hard to wake.

some key players in my dream:
aj, adrian, john, z

locations:
long beach, a taco place, a cave, some resort looking thing

i am still out of cigarettes and i refuse to buy any from that overpriced liquor store across the street from work.

unhappy birthdays and those who are involved

i will be turning 20 in 3 weeks.

birthdays. it's never anything special, i always do the same thing. i see family, maybe friends and there is always food involved. last year, i had no cake and no one sang happy birthday to me. i didn't get anything that particularly stood out.

i was dating a shitty dude (but when aren't i?) last year, we went to taco loco on my birthday and he got me a billabong wallet as a gift. now i'm not saying i wasn't grateful. but if he knew me at all, he would know that i wouldn't carry a billabong wallet and i already had a wallet that i really liked. not very thoughtful.

i don't tell people to/not get me gifts. but it's always appreciated. especially if it's thoughtful. the last memorable thing i received was probably my record player from sean for christmas '06. i don't have it anymore but i still buy vinyl today. that's probably why that still means a lot to me.

crossing my fingers this one doesn't end in tears.

-

men. the opposite sex. something else that recently played a big part in my life. at the moment, not so much. let's track back to january of this year. i was still seeing this guy josh that i started dating in september of last year. we broke up for a little bit in december and didn't get back together until early/mid january. and only because i found out he cheated on me.

have you ever seen that movie high fidelity? he is catherine zeta-jones' character. appealing on the outside, no substance on the inside. naive old me, i took him back after i found out he cheated. the relationship only got worse from there. i put off breaking up with him for months. but i finally got around to it mid april. by that time, i had met two other new dudes. we'll call new dudes G and Z.

it may be the coward's way out, but it's always easy to get out of a shitty relationship (if you have bad self esteem/low self confidence) by jumping ship and latching onto something else. some call it a rebound.
anyway, i meet G and Z on the same day. i will say that my attraction to G was physical, but now that i think about it, i think my eyes took a vacation when i met him. he stood shorter than myself by at least an inch or two, and he worked two doors down from me. convenience. days before i break up with josh, i got G's phone number.

i met Z while i was helping my friend christina get her computer set up at the local apple store. he was the specialist who helped us. now, i didn't think he was attractive right off the bat. i was into the stache though. i can appreciate a good looking mustache. all three of us joked, exchanged the sass, whatever. he was vocal about his dislike for animal collective, which was fine by me, because i was never really into that band. the night before i break up with josh, i asked Z for his email.

i end up rebounding with G. we have a very roller coasty one month relationship. he didn't get along with my friends very well. i will say that the majority of my friends did not like him. that should have been the red flag right there. he also had ADD, the bad kind. traffic could set him off in a rage. that was baggage that i did not need. anyways, i got the green light to call it quits when he gave me an ultimatum telling me that if i went on my trip to san francisco we would break up. there is a god!

i end it with G, knowing the whole time that Z would have been better for me. i am grateful that he wasn't my rebound though. i probably would have been much better off if i had grown a pair sooner and just broken up with josh without needing a rebound, right? everything would have been much cleaner.

after i end it with G, i realize that i have actual feelings for Z. what a big fucking mess. i come to realize that i might have really fucked up when Z and i spent more time together. he had a lot of character, he'd proven himself a good friend to me (when i was with G, we were still friends), my friends who know him love him, and i really enjoyed spending time with him. i don't think there was anyone i looked forward to talking to more. we started hooking up not that long ago, and it started mindgaming with me. for some reason i just thought that was all he wanted. we've quit that since, and i have come to terms with him having a busy schedule and he told me he never really thought about dating me. that was a huge blow. BUT.

where i see he is an amazing guy, he is just another guy. i can't waste more time moping over dudes. he is now just guidelines to what i look for in other potential dudes. he just wasn't the one. it's funny, i just never get the one that i actually want. i may have slept with someone i used to date last year. and thank dog, there were no feelings involved. everyone wins here.

this is how i know now that i am completely emotionally detached from dudes. and will be all summer.

peeves

ok, i get aggravated at work by this everyday. there's only ever 2-3 people working on the floor at one time and usually there's always one person upstairs, one at the register and one in the back. sometimes, when i'm ringing someone up and talking to them, someone will come up on the side and either :

1. ask me for change for their parking meter
2. ask me for a fitting room
3. ask me about an exchange/return

where are people's manners? i'm serious. just because you're not buying something does not mean you don't wait in line. you need help from me? you wait in line.

one other thing at work. we have signs on the fitting rooms downstairs that say that those fitting rooms are closed, and the upstairs fitting rooms are open. can't say how many times people have walked back there and still came to the front to ask me to open those rooms. you read the sign, but do you understand it?

"how do you feel?"

we'll call this the continuation of my old blog, www.deathatoneselbow.blogspot.com. it's still unoriginal. it's still not well written. it's just me.