i wish someone could explain to me why my internet AND computer are taking a very large dump together. everything is so slow, even applications not needing the interwebz. the only thing that kept me going earlier this morning was my iced coffee. i had a dream involving you know who. i had the hardest time waking up today.

i told my coworker dustin that i wanted to be a shirt and tie kind of girl. he asked me if i wanted to be a dude. thanks dusty.

my mom's boyfriend's 5 year old kid has now started calling my mom, "mom". i still call her "mommy".

been going 18 since i was 18

i want to go to more weddings. it's like prom for adults, and there's free booze too! looking your best and behaving your worst is the best. the last one i went to was josh's cousin's wedding. i caught the bouquet, wasted, in heels and everything. maybe i'll be the next one to be married out of everyone who was there.

it seems like a lot of people i know have been in attendance at weddings lately. luke's been to a couple recently, tess as well, and z is this weekend. christina and i were at a wedding reception a couple days ago. i want to be in someone's wedding.

oh steady steady, where are you?

I didn't put enough sauce on my pasta. I'm drinking iced coffee with
my dry pasta. Listening to the Envy/Thursday split.

I really dislike running into people I knew while I was in high school
or went to high school with. It just reminds me of the lousy time I
had there. I honestly feel physically uncomfortable when I'm in those
situations. Guess I haven't changed that much.

fin

who was i talking about this to? maybe it was luke. i don't think so. it was a guy, i'm pretty sure. someone i haven't spoken to in a long time. anyway, i was talking about how my levels of interest in music, movies and literature are working right now. oh, it was gian.

music - 60%
movies - 30%
books - 10%

that's kind of the truth. i'm reading burning fight right now, but that's only really on my lunch breaks. at this rate, i'll be lucky to finish the book by the time summer is over. i started downtown owl before that, but that i can get through pretty quickly, i think. i want to step up the movies to 50% and maybe tone down the music a bit. i have lots of netflix to catch up on and cowboy bebop still to finish. i'm ashamed that books have always (without fail) taken a backseat to movies/music.

i need to get a haircut. having my hair be this thick/long is already driving me nuts. i need to get my car sticker thing before august 1. or else that could mean a hefty ticket. i need to be sleeping right now. sleep doesn't seem to want me either.

first things first

the last mixtape i will ever make for a dude that goes by the first letter of his last name.

1. new order - temptation
2. feist - inside and out
3. she & him - you really got a hold on me
4. tommy james and the shondells - i think we're alone now
5. wilco - heavy metal drummer
6. claude debussy - clair de lune
7. waxwing - kill the messenger
8. mission of burma - all world cowboy romance
9. texas is the reason - a jack with one eye
10. the magnetic fields - i don't want to get over you
11. the promise ring - all of my everythings
12. the zombies - hung up on a dream
13. phoenix - if i ever feel better

tragic.. not

in the end, i'm always going to be wrong. had a long late dinner with aaron earlier. here are some things i learned:

1. if they say they are a nice guy, they aren't
2. don't waste time that i could potentially be using to develop as a person with dudes who are at a standstill with where and who they are
3. stay in school
4. we're going to be friends forever
5. retail is a dead end, don't get stuck
6. don't shit where you eat
7. don't shit where you eat TWICE

having my mom's boyfriend's kid julius around makes me wonder if i'd be a good parent.

woke up at 1130am today. fell asleep at 6 or 7ish. sleep has been way off since saturday night. all i want to do is sleep. at least my headache is gone now.

what i was never sure of with you

if you tell me there are plenty of other fish in the sea, i will probably want to hit you.

and now the real man fast begins.

looking a bit redder than usual

while waiting for him to arrive, i thought i had really bad gas. turns out, it was just butterflies.

applesauce is mushy

crying. not crying. crying.

got shitty last night. attempted to make plans with james sanderson. it was a little out of control.

i might go to veggie grill and watch 500 days of summer by myself.

not stylish, not bossy

boring.

i think i did a good thing with the spare ticket tonight. had a decent time. the roxy is an awful venue. drink tickets are probably not legal and unnecessary.

do not want

it's hot outside. the heat is finally getting to me. i'm on my period. i can't really recall my dream from last night. except finding tags upstairs at work and hanging out with luke.

i remember at my old job, this guy who sort of looked like he didn't shower or launder his clothes often came into the store to look at vampire porn forums on the computers. i only know this because specialists used to walk by him and look over his shoulder, and ask him to leave. but he'd always come back! i guess that's not as bad as the homeless lady with the pink flip flops who always came in to watch laguna beach reruns from time to time.

glomp?

i want to fly out to the east coast to see rival schools. too bad i am b-r-o-k-e.

had a strange dream last night, garrett and francisco were in it. boys that i don't really want much to do with. in my dream, i was telling them both to get my point and get lost. that somehow doesn't work in reality.

won a contest at work today and got ten bucks out of it. this weekend turned out to be kind of cool.

the force

i was telling megan last night how i just wanted to meet someone who didn't know anyone that i knew, because i'm tired of meeting people that are familiar with people i know.

and today, right before i went on my lunch, i was helping this guy pick out a collared shirt for his work (as a bartender at 6740) and i steamed his shirt, gave it to drew to give to him and clocked out for lunch. as i'm leaving, he's still checking out and everyone kinda looked at me when i walked up. and he asked me if he could give me his phone number, or get mine. he ended up giving me his, told me to call him, and then proceeded to ask me if i wanted to go to sharkeez. not my type, but at least he was cute though.

was someone listening to me last night?

my mom waited up for me to get home from work so she could see my reaction to this fan she had purchased and set up in my room, on top of my box of records. i love my mom.

submarine sandwiches

ok, really weird dream last night. i dreamed i got into a submarine with my mom and brother, and another family. i was also on the way to work but i had to get my car from seal beach or something and i was going to be late. greg and holly and andrew were all walking with me too but i caught a ride with someone else to work. there was a twister in my dream, it didn't do any real damage, but it was big. two planes crashed in my dream. two of sean's friends were in my dream too, but i didn't recognize the other person until i just logged into myspace and saw his recently added photos. just a strange dream. i slept awful last night.

tried to tell francisco i didn't want to really hang out anymore today. that didn't go over so well. how do i get myself into these things?


edit: it was a yellow submarine. like the ones on the finding nemo ride at disneyland. well, what used to be the creepy mermaid ride at disneyland. it only had seats facing the portholes. i recalled this at tom dale's earlier.

smartdog lunch

i love this guy

a formidable opponent

i always associated the band nada surf with that tv show the OC. their sound even reminds me of southern california, but they're a NY band. whenever i hear their music, i always feel more optimistic. aside from 2005's the weight is a gift, i never really heard anything else of theirs. they have a song called "weightless" from their 2007 album lucky and it's on one of the playlists we can listen to at work. i always feel a little better when it comes on.

i spent most of the day today at home. sleepyhead and his wife came over in the morning, they left around 3ish. i took andrew to see disney's earth at the uci town center at 420ish, and we got veggie grill and came back home. i've been watching cowboy bebop since. i managed to squeeze sabotage in there. i can finally send it back now.

the good in betweens

came home to a most pleasant surprise. sort of. i knew i had it coming, but i was still surprised at the content. i received a love letter from luke. and what i'm assuming is my deadguy vinyl.

he starts out the letter with, "every girl deserves to have a love letter written to her". he wrote a small paragraph near the bottom as if it were a yearbook entry, that says:

Helen,
I never knew you were actually pretty cool, but then again I don't think I ever knew you very well. Anyway, you're pretty and you seem like you might even be somewhat intelligent and funny. Have a fun summer and get fucked up. We'll have to meet up.
-Luke

trust the english major to write his way into a girl's heart. he even enclosed a picture he took in seattle of a little girl with a red sweater on. i'll scan it in later, i actually really like it. his handwriting is also really neat. i'll have to write him back.

also, i am really fucking gassy right now. i have no idea why. before i got home, i went out to rancho to hang out with francisco. we watched dr. strangelove, i am pretty sure he knows all the script by heart. before that, had dinner with nakita and aaron at veggie grill. it was good catching up with them, i only get to see them every so often. before THAT, i got tea with aaron and that was nice. he is so funny. i want to be in his wedding if he gets married. i think i just want to be in anyone's wedding.

i was talking to francisco earlier about learning some of my favorite songs and playing them in french. he told me he made a blog (because i told him he should) titled zen and pool maintenance. such a good name.

now it's time to get started on my two days off!

p.s. can someone show me where to get a misfits shirt with a gold tooth on it? thanks.

:/

i finally told him how i felt. it's time to move on.

feeling so unmotivated to go into work today. driving right now.
dreamt about work right before I woke up.

killing time, making noise

i have no money, but i do want to see the loved ones/the gaslight anthem/murder by death at the henry fonda. i think that's coming up. i told mark about it. maybe i'll convince him to go.

i haven't smoked a cigarette in a couple weeks now. has it only been two? maybe three. i also haven't had a drink in a while. i should get a corkscrew.

work is unstimulating and lately it's really been getting to me. i have to do something about this.

jamming with edward

something i used to do a lot on my own was watch movies. i'm not saying it isn't nice to see movies with other people.. but whether or not it's in the theater, i would always rather watch it by myself. i'm sure that's the preference of many, but i was thinking about it earlier today. you don't want someone talking to you while you're watching the movie, and you can focus on the movie more if there's no one else with you. know what i mean?

it was all a dream

i started watching cowboy bebop last night. i'm watching the last episode of the first disc right now. z lent me the whole series.

i have a lot to catch up on. still working on working less.

viscous?

i can tell you that i have dvds i borrowed from different people from at least a year ago. and things i've loaned out about a year ago still haven't come back to me. borrowing things from people, it's a vicious cycle.

i still have ryan ryburn's boondock saints, roman's first season of the office.. and i'm sure there are other things i have that i can't remember right now. southall still has my shook ones and gayrilla biscuits 7"s. for some reason, i don't think i'm getting those back.

it's time for everything to be perfect

the one day i decided to go to the getty, part of their property is on fire. so, dan lee and i went to pure luck/amoeba instead. i came home with rocky votolato's s/t and the weakerthans' reconstruction site on vinyl. we sat through a lot of traffic, i took many cat naps.

went to bright star with francisco after. watched ridiculous youtube videos. i'm still trying to get out of working full time/at AA.

how long can i put up with his non responsive behavior? i can only show that i care in so many ways before i finally give up.

pure luck

your place is still at the heart of my everything

just thought i'd let you know.

not wavering

i'm extremely exhausted. i still have to drive out to rancho (possibly) and then drive back to yorba linda. at least i don't have to work tomorrow. but i am going to the getty with dan lee, so i'm going to be b-b-b-busy. i think i told someone i'd hang out with them tomorrow night as well.. but i can't remember who i told that to.

today is one of those days. the kind where you don't want to socialize or talk to people. a quiet day. i couldn't really talk to customers today, socially awkward is definitely an understatement.

so i'm not going to be able to go back to native foods at the camp for awhile. when i went there last, i was talking to some guy who works there (apparently the regional training manager) and i for some reason thought he was gay. i have no gaydar. this is something everyone knows about me. so here i am, thinking he's gay, just shooting the shit with him and sipping on WAF.. and he asks me for my phone number and if i wanted to get coffee sometime. i agree, because i'm thinking, "hey, why the hell not? i love the gays." after i left, he sent me a text message telling me he thought i was "hella cute and fascinating." woop! MY BAD. he's not gay.

i just ordered burning fight from the revelation website. how did i not hear of this book sooner? i hope this will be better than that one book... was it called revolutions per minute? no, that's a rise against album. hmmm.. revolution on canvas! that was it. josh had two copies of it. i skimmed through it, it was really awful. has hello sunshine come out yet? i should check on that.

the only reason i feel secure is that i am validated by my peers

had an overall decent day. went iphone 3gs hunting with chris and francisco in the afternoon and got veggie grill with everyone at night.

i ended up getting my phone at the mission store. my card didn't work so i had to go home and get more money from my mom, and holding the transaction was only going to complicate things. steve was nice enough to let me leave with the phone and come back to pay for it. i owe him big time. i asked him about reapplying and he said it was a good idea, and if he could put in a good word for me (which he said he would).. so i hope something comes out of that. i like my new phone.

as for veggie grill. i didn't think we were actually going to fill the seats, so crazy. we even had to have people sit at another table because it was so packed. let's see if i can recall everyone: me, holly, andrew, emmie, megan, amber, ryan, thom, aj, andy, fes, travis, nicole, roman, nikki, frank, katie and allie. i was so anxious because no one knew each other! it's a good thing no one from work came because that would've just been even more awkward.

z didn't call or text to say happy birthday. i'm only slightly disappointed, i guess. :(

iPhone 3GS test

featuring aj, ryan and thom. veggie grill, uci.

oh, unhappy birthday

i had a dream last night that i went to go see explosions with christina and my sister. i remember being in a really old building, and my uncle was looking for me. i was running from him, because i was looking for a bathroom and i had just started my period and i was bleeding. i found a bathroom at the top of a parking structure-like building, and inside was a huge book with albert einstein's face on it. it looked like it was a gift to someone, but they just left it there. i recall not really doing anything about the period, and it went away. i washed my hands. dean was in my dream as well, i had given him a huge AA bag with a hoodie and a ton of boxer briefs in them. i remember the bag being really heavy.

then, i remember being at an ataris show (in the dream) with z. they were really awful. but z and i sat on the floor and watched them for a little bit anyway. i think z was wearing that same button up he wore to christina's housewarming party.

i'm probably going to end up being disappointed today anyway.

last night

work was slow today, good. i got off 10 minutes early to make it to my genius bar appointment at scp apple on time. i was on time, but i forgot that there is usually an extra wait. should've just left work at 5. ryan ended up being the genius that helped me out. basically, if i restore my phone and it's still acting up, my only choice i have is to purchase a new one.

something funny happened while i was just shooting the shit with ryan at the bar, he mentioned how josh had tried to hit on one of his friends in la recently. and he made some comments about josh's dumb little hats, horrible dress style, and lame small talk. HA. it's just funny to see him still ragging on josh.

i went to native foods after before i left for francisco's because i wanted some watermelon agua fresca. i know. i'm addicted. anyway, i was talking to some guy, really small talk while i was waiting for my food (or something). i don't have a gaydar, but i assumed he was gay. he ended up asking me to get coffee with him sometime and sent me text messages telling me i was cute & fascinating. damn my poor judgement.

francisco. luke asked me earlier if i had feelings for him because i was going to hang out with him tonight. will i always have to refer to the ladder theory for him? i explained to him that i didn't just do that for friends. francisco is going through an awful breakup, and you never want to be alone and dwelling after something that big happens. i know this, because that's how i felt when i found out josh cheated on me. i was a wreck in the 20 minutes between finding out and calling nicole & friends. she was here so fast. it's a good feeling just having someone there for you. whether they say anything or not.

you don't love me
aren't thinking of me tonight
why am i waiting for you to see i'm alive?

watermelon agua fresca

i'm out of immediate debt, for the moment. this means i am no longer in the red in my bank account.

i've been thinking a bit about moving to my uncle's. i'd have a place to stay. possibly two rooms for myself. my own bathroom. isolation. i honestly believe that no one would come to visit me if i moved out there. with the exception of fes, since he lives in rancho. i would befriend fes and all of jr's old friends. the drive from rancho-lake elsinore is equivalent to long beach-lake forest. doable.

after work, i went to scp apple and tried to talk to someone about getting my phone fixed. i honestly don't know why it's acting up (fast dying battery and mail app crashing). i ended up making an appointment for sunday, but now i don't even know if they're going to take me because the latest appointment they had was for 515. and i'm off work in HB at 5.

went to native foods after and met up with fes to talk. his marriage with courtney is officially done, so he tells me. i feel so bad for the guy. i can't imagine what it'd be like to commit for good, and then get dropped like it was nothing. for a city like san francisco. that must be depressing. we spent an hour or so talking over watermelon agua fresca and just went back to my house to hang.

i've learned this enough times from breaking up, but you never really want to be alone all the time after a break up. that just emphasizes the alone effect of breaking up. i've had moments where i didn't want to talk or see anyone, but those are very short. it's better that way.

sidenote: native totally one upped veggie grill with the WAF. strawberry lemonade does not stand a chance.

also, here's to music in dreams! i dreamed last night that i was sitting in front of a tv with aj, and a commercial for taco bell came on.. but jets to brazil's sweet avenue was the song they used. i remember turning to him and saying, "how weird." and then i think i was looking for someone in a pg.99 shirt later in my dream, so odd. at some point in my dream, z had called and left a voicemail on my phone. it was really kind, he said a lot of nice things and just told me to keep waiting.

you met me at a very strange time in my life

if you're wondering why i'm following your blog and if/how you know me.. the answer is, you don't. the connection to all the random blogs is BSC. but i like reading strangers' blogs. if you have any good ones to recommend, send it my way. i'm open to all recommendations (books, music, places to visit, foods) right now.

i apologize for my blog being so uninteresting (even though i'm probably the only one who reads it). all the things i talk about are basically every day things in my life. but since this blog is public, and no one i know personally knows about this, i feel like it's my only place to do so. so again, apologies. but, it is my life. we all gotta vent sometimes.

cha

something that doesn't usually follow up whining: doing something about it. i applied for my old job at the mission viejo, temecula and irvine spectrum apple stores. i'm going to apply for santa barbara as well, after callas refers me. i want out.

currently: craving tea and listening to daitro.

whine, bitch and moan

today had to be one of the worst days i've had in awhile. i just got the WEIRDEST vibe once i got into work today. like everyone knew something that i didn't, but no one wanted to say. i attempted to go along with everything and just kind of brush it off, but no. megan was acting so strange. jamie too. something is up! it must be that they didn't think that i knew megan was promoted to assistant manager, even though i already did (without anyone telling me, for that matter). and you wanna know what megan told luke and mark?

"i guess helen really wanted the assistant manager position."

i will be honest, i did mention it to tara once (on megan's suggestion, actually). OVER TWO MONTHS AGO. i never brought it up again, because after i sent that email i felt like an idiot. why on earth did i even ask for that position?

1. i don't have nearly enough time and energy to dedicate to the job (nor would i want to)
2. i'm only going to be working there until i transfer schools/find a better job
3. american apparel is not part of the plan for my future career

but you know what's even worse? that she even said that to begin with. luke and i were talking about this after i got off. why would she even say that? it's like saying "man, i hooked up with this really hot chick last night. i guess _______ really wanted to too."

if she honestly thinks this is something to gloat about, she must really have nothing going for her. she's six years older than me, gloating about a promotion that maybe pays her a dollar more than myself. but wait! she's got other things going for her. like dating the lead singer of a really awful ex-drive thru records band. and not going to school. sweet.

it could be a coincidence that i'm even more irritated/bitchy because i've been cigarette-free for about a week now. i only know that i'm super frustrated because i am listening to parachutes right now. i never listen to parachutes. feel free to give me shit about that, it's ok. i would.

fuckuturn

my birthday is on monday. i'm going to make a wishlist. in no particular order:

-external hard drive, preferably one with firewire
-new tires
-iphone 3GS
-domestica on red vinyl
-the black panthers' hot sauce - burn, baby, burn
-tv on dvd (twilight zone, MST3K or true blood)
-a credit card debt paid off (any of the three)
-a veggie grill/starbucks/gas gift card loaded with a ton of money (i find that that's where a lot of my money goes)
-something thoughtful (a card with a lengthy message inside or something handmade)
-a model gundam (preferably nataku or deathscythe)

ontario does reek of cow fecal matter

today seemed like a super productive day. started at 830am and i only just got home at 130am.

i got up half an hour late to take my car to get the oil changed (thank god the place is just down the street) and i just came home and showered, cleaned my room some more, read one more chapter of downtown owl, listened to records. cleaned. picked my car up at 2-ish, went to the costa mesa AA and got z's red hoodie, had to go back to the mechanic's so they could reset my maintenance light, go to ups to drop off z's package, pick christina up and take her to the bank, and then our sessions with eli.

eli does coffee and card readings out of her house. she has this really old deck of cards that she uses, they're all bent and faded. christina takes me every year for my birthday. those are the only times i've ever gone, save for the one time i took jenna. i only feel right going about once a year because aside from that, i feel like i'm cheating the system or something. sound ridiculous? i don't know. it's an old middle eastern style of fortune telling. i remember getting my cards read while i was in new york last year, and i asked her about the way that eli does it. eli seemed way more legitimate than the woman i saw in new york. the woman in new york said that eli's way was a really ancient form of fortune telling. i thought that was cool. she basically told me everything i knew, but it's nice hearing it from someone who doesn't know anything about my current life at all. cheap counseling.. or guidance, as christina calls it. i just have to be really patient. until august/september-ish.

after eli, i sat in traffic for two hours or so heading towards the inland empire to visit my uncle in lake elsinore. i was only there for an hour and a half or so, but we talked. he told me that my dad (his brother, who left us when i was 10) had another kid. which meant that i had a half sibling. i guess he/she (i didn't ask the gender) is about 6-7 years old. i thought that was kind of harsh. i don't think my brother or sister knows. or my mom, for that matter. i think he's going to help me out a bit with my money issues, since he thinks i've become an "ok person". i'm not good, i'm just ok. that's what he says. at least that's improvement in his eyes.

after i left elsinore, i headed over to rancho cucamonga since it was only about half an hour away up the 15 north from there. i haven't been to rancho in two years. but it's funny, because i went to hang out with francisco.. who used to live in aliso viejo/lake forest. not even five minutes from me. but we're hanging out in rancho.. which is an hour to an hour and a half away with traffic. just funny, that's all. i've never really talked or hung out with him before, i usually just saw him around if i was hanging out with aj or andy, but i had a good time. him, john and these two guys larry and louie were all playing FIFA '09 at john's and i just came along. the longer i watched them play the more i got into it, haha. i think i'll play next time. john's having a party friday night for jacob's birthday, and i'm considering going. maybe.

also, epic win for me on the bay this afternoon. fixation on a coworker, grey vinyl.. FOUR BUCKS. but, win/lose for me this morning. orange rhyming dictionary, 1st press, translucent orange. fifty five bucks. i suppose if i look at it, it was about thirty each. that sounds kind of bad, doesn't it? i probably won't feel that way once it arrives.

i don't remember being on that floor, at all.

the drums, the drums, the drums

bidding wars on ebay are the worst, especially those head to head ones in the very last minute. what's even worse, is LOSING. crossing my fingers for jtb's orange rhyming dictionary tomorrow. i must have it.

i am not in the mindset for GYFO, at all. it's funny how that worked out for both christina and i, we just completely forgot about it (and everyone else).

lots to do tomorrow, it's going to be a long and hopefully productive day.

ALSO, i just remembered something. i was at peet's with roman around 7-930pm ish today, and i went inside to get the wireless code so i could use their interwebz to try and win that ebay auction. i didn't even look at the barista who was helping me until after i asked for the code, and lo and behold.. it's fucking julian boucher! i haven't seen him since TAAS/sBACH last september on my first date with josh. i called him out for being an asshole and not saying hi to me at the show, and apparently he didn't even see me there (even though there was maybe 30 people max). he asked for my phone number. i feel like i've outgrown everyone i used to know.