i remember why i didn't like eating asparagus before. my mom cooks it in a way that makes me not want to eat it.

i'll have to cook it myself next time.

my wisdom teeth are going to kill me. my wisdom teeth are going to kill me.

THE PAIN!!!

i looked in the mirror today, and noticed that something was different. i'm not quite sure what it was.

good last minute hang tonight. put some things in perspective. that was needed.

I'm sorry you seem so stung
And I'm sorry you think you have to hold your tongue
When you're so pretty and smart
I'm seeing you caving in
Becoming afraid of all these men
That you've given your heart

I saw you with your make up running down
Now what's that all about
You say you don't want anyone around
Cause you're cleaned out
All cleaned out

i think i want to get keel's other book fill-in book, all about me. after my early satisfaction with the simple diary, i think all about me would be a neat investment. i could fill it out and save it to look at later in the future. or for my kids. who knows.

amber and jon both got into ucla! i'm so proud of both of them. for jon, i am still in awe that he knew what it was he wanted to do at age 16. i don't think i could have had my plan worked out at that age. (he left high school at age 16 to go to community college, and now he is transferring into ucla [if he doesn't get into berkeley] as a junior at age 18). i'm super happy for both of them. now my top bitches are both going to be in la. if this doesn't sound like a party, i don't know what does. today was too good to me.

while listening to dorkrockcorkrod earlier this week, i had an epiphany. what the fuck was i doing? even though the thought itself was fairly simple, i thought of the phone call i had received a week or so earlier from a close friend who lived far away. he had called to tell me how much he appreciated my presence in his life and that he felt he didn't express it enough. this set off a chain reaction of thoughts. i thought of all the relationships i had with my friends' parents (of the ones i had met and become familiar with). i thought of andy's family, christina's parents, roman's dad, stephanie's family, and so forth. and you know what? i'm really fucking awesome. i don't say that to sound vain, but i am a good friend to those i deem worthy. what am i doing hanging on by a thread to some guy who doesn't even deserve it? realizing that i could easily out grow him in two to three years, i decided this was another thing to add to the list of things to be axed.

long story short, he agreed with everything i had to say, and we are currently nothing. i don't think we can bounce back from this, in friendship or dating, as the weird relationship we've had going on for a year now might be irreparably damaged. i could not be more relieved.

it's the end of the dark ages mothafuckaaaa.


i think the ergs! might have just changed my life a little bit.

boys and girls, you may rejoice.

i feel insanely good about myself right now.

To the part where I begin to sense
Her distance
I panic and hold on tighter
But that makes it worse
How am I supposed to take it
When she said:

"This is something I'm going through,
It's got nothing to do with you"

the best text to wake up from a nap to.

i need to buy an envelope. i should have bought more fish.

what i did today:

talk to bruce about my two year old check and the possibility of recovering my 41 dollars of hard earned monies.
called the gas company and figured out that i need to go through my bank to recover my monies.
went to the spectrum for a salad lunch at veggie grill, ended up running into james and caught up with him.
bought some shooez from vans.
bought a sweater from h&m.
bought a drank at peet's with megan.
bought a wig with megan.
went to christina's wig party.
placed 2nd out of 3 for playing dirty minds.

there was attempts at money recovering and sure money spending. what else. i should sleep.

there's always room for self improvement.

my brother is one of my closest friends. we went to see kick ass tonight at regal while trying to get my long lost but recently found pay check situation figured out. reyes was talking to me yesterday about his siblings and what they are all up to now, and tells me that he isn't close with his younger brother because of the age gap, and that all his older brothers had moved away. i should be grateful. and i am.

parallels are everywhere. i went to see vincere on wednesday after yoga, and after watching the film all the way through, i'm at that crossroad where i decide to take my next step. there are only two options. wait, or move on alone. i say alone because i am not sure how long it will take to really move on (this could be a long process).

this was given to me in an analogy about shirts being one size too big, and continuing to purchase that size hoping that one day it'll fit. well, the shirt will never fit unless you grow to fit it or buy the size smaller. that's just how it is. if it isn't working, take it back and fix it. if that doesn't work, try something new.

i'm not in any rush for anything new, but i have been trying new means of self discipline. as an update on my no eating after 8pm policy, that is going fairly well. i've now implemented another rule, and that is that either my lunch or my dinner has to be a salad. this will be more difficult to follow. i ate my first salad since this rule tonight (i haven't had one in who knows how long). but i figure since i'm so used to eating the same thing on a regular basis, this won't be a huge deal for me.

i have until the end of june to read 10 books. i'm working on it.

movies to see:
the greatest
the secret of kells
exit through the gift shop
mother
harry brown
the good heart

making the distinction between doing something because it seems right (and the harder route) or doing it because i want to (the foolish route).

if the classes i want don't fill up now (since one did, and i had to rearrange the schedule), my life may or may not be ending between the days of my birthday and 18th of july. first session ends on the 18th. second session starts on the 6th. i will have twelve days where i will have twelve units crammed down my throat. the things i do to have the desirable teachers. ratemyprofessor.com is fucking my life for twelve days.

i register tomorrow, and i hope that the writing class i want doesn't get filled up. i will be pissed if it does.

just because i can doesn't mean i should.

this can apply to many things. but yesterday/today this applies to procrastination. i didn't shower last night. didn't do my journal last night. didn't read last night. but i did go to bed, wake up and do it all before i went to class.

even though i got everything done, i need to practice doing everything sooner. do i like the thrill of being able to do things last minute and still have my shit together? maybe i do. maybe that's what procrastinators like.

destination failure has been on heavy rotation this week. along with lemuria, the lawrence arms, and '90s slow jams. interesting mix. anticipating mail!

not eating after 8pm is hard. self discipline! speaking of, i should probably read the things they carried and do my journal thing. or i could wake up tomorrow and do it. i am tired. should i shower? i did yoga earlier, but now i'm tired. hm.

all i have to say about my food rule is that at least it isn't something extreme like cutting carbs out of my diet, or fake meats (which i think would honestly be better for me) or stick to eating salads and fruit (even though i know that can probably produce better results). i'm just putting a time limit on when i can eat. eating at 11pm-12am at night is not good, especially if it's a regular thing.

what else did i discover today? my left arm can't support the weight of my body. this is no joke.

quizas, quizas, quizas

SOMEBODY has a job interview on thursday.


wish me luck.

i'm going to smell delicious for the next six months.

120 is the number.

i need to make some rules for myself.


1. can't eat if it's past 8pm.
2. drink more water.
3. yoga mondays+wednesdays.
4. cycling fridays.
5. read moar.


that is all. cheers!

my body/mind has a weird way of telling me about things i do/don't want. if i'm unsatisfied in a relationship or the person i'm dating, i don't break up with them. i'm just not nice to them. i am a straight up bitch to them. i know i'm not alone on this one.

and this thing now.. it's not like i haven't been asked out on dates, i just always say no. and the only person that has my affections has never asked or taken me out on a date, or i think ever will. maybe my body/mind knows this, and also knows that deep down i really don't want to be dating.. hence why i'm interested in someone who will never give me that.

MIRACLES.

another list?!

i have decided to spend the days between april 11 - may 11 for personal development time. what does this mean? i am going to stop hanging out just to hang out this month. there are many things i need to get done, and this is crucial time to get my shit together (school, fitness, reading, shit like that). what does this mean? i will not be going out of my way to hang out if there isn't going to be some personal gain. it sounds selfish, i know. but i want this. this in itself may be kind of hard to do, since i see people everyday. but i will try hard to keep to it.



activities where i will not mind company


1. watching movies (at home, or in a theater)
2. going to the gym
3. eating at places i have never eaten at before
4. nails done



personal goals

1. finish reading 10 books, plus christina's 2 by the end of june
2.


why am i making a list about this? i think that this is how everyone else leads their lives and maybe i'm just retarded when it comes to priorities.

the meet cute

i'm going to take this moment and appreciate how fast time flies.

If we hold on to each other while we die
Then together through a heaven we will fly

even though i'm older now, i still would prefer not to hear my mom yelling at my dad (regarding him not being a good parent) over the phone in the living room. she needs to stop setting up camp on the sofa because i'm sick of hearing her phone conversations.

songkran was on easter sunday. WTF. i actually wanted to go this year too.

in all seriousness, i had a dream that i weathered a tsunami with a baby on my back. seriously.. i was on a beach, and i saw the tide pull back really far into the ocean, and then a huge motherfucking wave came over me! i held onto a pole with the baby on my back, and we made it. for some reason, i didn't think we would though. then i attempted to sneak into some crazy part of disneyland with christina and we got caught or something and had to hustle out of there.

my dreams are so movie like sometimes.

how can you watch this and not be amazed?

let me explain why i am in awe. i did cheer for one year. it is hard. the stunts in that video are so good, like crazy good. imagine having to trust the possible breakage of bones on the people who are supposed to catch you from throwing you about 5-10 ft in the air.. they make it look easy, but it's hard. also, everyone on this team can tumble as well (and that in itself is pretty hard). the synchronization is on point, the choreography is really good. videos like this make me feel so out of shape.

SO UNBELIEVABLY FUCKED.

on the bright side.. is there a bright side? i will bleed on you if you come near me.

my wisdom teeth are really starting to hurt. i should get them out before july. my period should be here either today or tomorrow. thank goodness.