my life has changed in ways i couldn't have predicted from the end of last year, for the better. i'm welcoming 2011 with open arms.

i don't get to find out until two weeks before the weekend i requested off if i got it off or not. that is some BS.

taking everything one step at a time. 15 days.

some things i'd like right now

warmth
more hours in a day - so i can catch up on sleep and actually be rested for school, AND to catch up on my netflix
a haircut
my room to be cleaner
more days off

and now everything is riding on a bet that i can't win
if (s)he's not the answer i've been looking for then i'll never ask again

life is full of possibilities.

the natural progression of things.

i've been so reluctant to trust these days. being disappointed and let down is now on my list of things i fear (although it should have been a long time ago, it wasn't). i'm starting to take signs and fate a little bit more seriously than i used to, which was almost not at all. it feels like everything seems to happen for a reason. whether that is really the case or not, it's all very coincidental and i'm okay with that.

i always feel unadjusted the morning following a night of drinking. i'm disheveled, forgetful, and tired too. tomorrow is a new day?

presently concerned with the amount of school work i need to finish before wednesday. i was pretty upset when i realized i had taken nearly as many electives as the amount of classes required for igetc. looking on the bright side though, better to take those classes now at the price i'm paying for them than to not have, because i probably won't have time to do that after my major prep requirements are done.

irresponsible seller on ebay - i'm going to fuck you up!

this is all rough because who knows if i'll even get the time off. but - may as well do this.


for this month...

-start the process of getting a passport
-buy plane tickets
-register for spring 2011 and order books before january


this was a short to do list. guess i'll add more as i remember.

last week, i had a dream that i was engaged to my (good looking) co-worker. it was super fucking weird because everything was taking place at work, we acknowledged that his ex worked there too, and i had the ring on my hand, but i enjoyed that. my conscience still exists in my dream: i felt great about being engaged, but not on who i was engaged to. MEH. i'm so exhausted.

it's really unfortunate how many immature/retarded people i'm surrounded by.

met the sweetest old man today while making a stop at peet's to say hi to cj and julian. he was extremely encouraging, told me i spoke well.. too bad it doesn't translate on paper. i might just check out the MOLAA in long beach.

i picked the wrong things to go inside my breakfast burrito i had this morning at mother's. it was awful. this is why i don't try new things.

conflict.

i have to be at work in 25 minutes, and i'm not even dressed yet. something smells like burnt toast outside.

migraine

CRYCRY.

it's going to cost me 280 for all my books for fall at the cheapest (on amazon). this is the most money i'm going to have spent on school books since i first started attending ivc (when i didn't know better than to buy from the bookstore). hello, fall...

galaxy american
galaxy rice vegan pepper jack
parm by eat in the raw
daiya
teese mozzarella
spicy nacho chreese dip by road's end organics

and always at play, the end of the day, i'm alone and so are you.

the verdict on youth in revolt : NOT THAT GOOD.

i was really hoping for something on the same level of dark as the good girl. didn't get it. but i didn't read the books either. at least i know now that i won't be...

i had a dream last night that my canadian penpal came to visit me.

and that i was going to move to chicago with gaby (the girl who cuts my hair) so that i could be closer to him. but he doesn't live in chicago.. i remember thinking of brendan kelly in my dream. weird.

i woke up this morning with a bug bite on my ankle, around my achilles tendon. it's not just the bite that itches, but the left side of my ankle is sore now. :(

my friend's aunt left this comment on her page: "you look so slim and look so good. please do not eat."

and she's not joking, either.

a good idea in theory #1

strapless bras.

seriously. a VS nakeds strapless bra i had ordered arrived in the mail and i am not sure if i should keep it or not. do i own enough strapless things to warrant having this $40 bra? but would it hold up over time? to date, i don't have a good strapless bra. but is there such a thing? every one that i've had has disappointed. to give this a shot or not?

i'll have to find something strapless that looks good to try it on with and maybe i'll decide then.

i'm going to offend everyone in my ethnic studies class before the month is over. or at least this seems to be the direction i'm headed in...

i hate watching movies that show the beginning and dissolution of relationships. coincidentally, these movies never seem to turn out to be anything worth watching.

there is nothing like coming home after a long day of not being at home and catching up with articles from my favorite blogs. especially the comments.

job interview today, i think that went well. final tomorrow. i should get started on writing this paper. then moar studying.

good hangs with bp, benny, andy and his friend. he apparently works for green peace now. interesting. at least he will have monies and be on a schedule again. good for him.

after writing my letter of intent to rape, i think it's time for sleep. more studying and paper writing tomorrow.

if someone looked at my safari history right now, they'd see that the last two things i wiki'd were jehovah's witness blood transfusion and felching.

i can imagine someone being shocked about the felching part. either because i didn't know right off the bat what it was or because i was looking it up to begin with?

the battle of helm's deep is probably my favorite battle scene in any movie i've seen to date.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HiDbyC5xp_s&feature=related

(i can't embed it)

you'd think writing about love would come easy. it apparently doesn't. cue me being awake at 3, still churning this out.

birthday wishlist.

now that i am going to be in possession of a wii, i'm gonna make a list of things i want to go with it. this is bad since i should focus more on making money to pay off cc debt instead of thinking of how to spend it. ANYWAY...

wii fit
ea sports grand slam tennis
mario kart wii
capcom vs. tatsunoko
dokapon kingdom

hmmm.. other things would be giftcards to places i shop, a car.. MONIES. and food, if anyone feels like feeding me. :P

insanely frustrated right now. sitting in the writing center, and i got here at 430pm. i was going to wait to put my name on the list and i didn't check to see how many people were on it to begin with so..

1. i can't see my regular writing instructor

and

2. i don't even know if anyone is going to be able to see me tonight.

fuck that guy at the desk. he was such a dick.

and if i can't get seen tonight, i supposed i could always come here at 8am tomorrow and hope for the best. that way, i'd at least have my final draft written but their corrections wouldn't really mean anything, i suppose. UGH.

the lowdown:


jezebel
gizmodo sometimes
consumerist
quarrygirl
kotaku
justjared
punknews
blogger feed
tumblr feed
twitter feed
dailybooth sometimes

dry earwax linked to lower breast cancer rates.

- How can they tell races apart?
Not all earwax is the same. Asian people have dry, flaky, light grey earwax, called “rice bran” wax. Caucasians and people of African or Latin descent have stickier, smellier, golden brown cerumen.


- How are they connected to breasts?
These glands resemble tissue in mammary glands — breasts — and the different cerumen types are linked to breast cancer risk. People with dry cerumen produce fewer breast secretions and have a reduced risk of breast cancer.

linda - explain to me how rory and jess didn't end up together.

can you watch this and not get pissed?

and when i say pissed, i mean it's because of the indirect jabs at katrina. and how there was no looting or crime spree? oh come on. who can loot when everything is flooded?

comparing that to the civil war was also not a good call, in my opinion. the attitude of the commentary makes me feel less bad. although that is a terrible disaster, it's just the tone of the captions that off balances it.

i quickly reactivated my fb to contact one of my classmates since i have apparently LOST one of the books needed for the class. i messaged him and LUCKILY he got it and responded to me asap so we are meeting up in the writing center tomorrow half an hour before class so i can do the readings beforehand.

i have to say, after only being back on it for 20 minutes, i got ANXIOUS AS FUCK.




i deactivated after going around and telling some bitches i loved them.

"She informed me - matter of factly - that she was old enough to know the difference between intriguing and fucked up. 'You should date younger women', she told me. 'They can't always tell the difference'."

shout out to my future husband (yes, singular):

YOU WILL HAVE TO BE OK WITH ME PLAYING ALL-4-ONE AT OUR WEDDING OR WE ARE NOT GETTING MARRIED. KEITH SWEAT AS WELL.

i remember why i didn't like eating asparagus before. my mom cooks it in a way that makes me not want to eat it.

i'll have to cook it myself next time.

my wisdom teeth are going to kill me. my wisdom teeth are going to kill me.

THE PAIN!!!

i looked in the mirror today, and noticed that something was different. i'm not quite sure what it was.

good last minute hang tonight. put some things in perspective. that was needed.

I'm sorry you seem so stung
And I'm sorry you think you have to hold your tongue
When you're so pretty and smart
I'm seeing you caving in
Becoming afraid of all these men
That you've given your heart

I saw you with your make up running down
Now what's that all about
You say you don't want anyone around
Cause you're cleaned out
All cleaned out

i think i want to get keel's other book fill-in book, all about me. after my early satisfaction with the simple diary, i think all about me would be a neat investment. i could fill it out and save it to look at later in the future. or for my kids. who knows.

amber and jon both got into ucla! i'm so proud of both of them. for jon, i am still in awe that he knew what it was he wanted to do at age 16. i don't think i could have had my plan worked out at that age. (he left high school at age 16 to go to community college, and now he is transferring into ucla [if he doesn't get into berkeley] as a junior at age 18). i'm super happy for both of them. now my top bitches are both going to be in la. if this doesn't sound like a party, i don't know what does. today was too good to me.

while listening to dorkrockcorkrod earlier this week, i had an epiphany. what the fuck was i doing? even though the thought itself was fairly simple, i thought of the phone call i had received a week or so earlier from a close friend who lived far away. he had called to tell me how much he appreciated my presence in his life and that he felt he didn't express it enough. this set off a chain reaction of thoughts. i thought of all the relationships i had with my friends' parents (of the ones i had met and become familiar with). i thought of andy's family, christina's parents, roman's dad, stephanie's family, and so forth. and you know what? i'm really fucking awesome. i don't say that to sound vain, but i am a good friend to those i deem worthy. what am i doing hanging on by a thread to some guy who doesn't even deserve it? realizing that i could easily out grow him in two to three years, i decided this was another thing to add to the list of things to be axed.

long story short, he agreed with everything i had to say, and we are currently nothing. i don't think we can bounce back from this, in friendship or dating, as the weird relationship we've had going on for a year now might be irreparably damaged. i could not be more relieved.

it's the end of the dark ages mothafuckaaaa.


i think the ergs! might have just changed my life a little bit.

boys and girls, you may rejoice.

i feel insanely good about myself right now.

To the part where I begin to sense
Her distance
I panic and hold on tighter
But that makes it worse
How am I supposed to take it
When she said:

"This is something I'm going through,
It's got nothing to do with you"

the best text to wake up from a nap to.

i need to buy an envelope. i should have bought more fish.

what i did today:

talk to bruce about my two year old check and the possibility of recovering my 41 dollars of hard earned monies.
called the gas company and figured out that i need to go through my bank to recover my monies.
went to the spectrum for a salad lunch at veggie grill, ended up running into james and caught up with him.
bought some shooez from vans.
bought a sweater from h&m.
bought a drank at peet's with megan.
bought a wig with megan.
went to christina's wig party.
placed 2nd out of 3 for playing dirty minds.

there was attempts at money recovering and sure money spending. what else. i should sleep.

there's always room for self improvement.

my brother is one of my closest friends. we went to see kick ass tonight at regal while trying to get my long lost but recently found pay check situation figured out. reyes was talking to me yesterday about his siblings and what they are all up to now, and tells me that he isn't close with his younger brother because of the age gap, and that all his older brothers had moved away. i should be grateful. and i am.

parallels are everywhere. i went to see vincere on wednesday after yoga, and after watching the film all the way through, i'm at that crossroad where i decide to take my next step. there are only two options. wait, or move on alone. i say alone because i am not sure how long it will take to really move on (this could be a long process).

this was given to me in an analogy about shirts being one size too big, and continuing to purchase that size hoping that one day it'll fit. well, the shirt will never fit unless you grow to fit it or buy the size smaller. that's just how it is. if it isn't working, take it back and fix it. if that doesn't work, try something new.

i'm not in any rush for anything new, but i have been trying new means of self discipline. as an update on my no eating after 8pm policy, that is going fairly well. i've now implemented another rule, and that is that either my lunch or my dinner has to be a salad. this will be more difficult to follow. i ate my first salad since this rule tonight (i haven't had one in who knows how long). but i figure since i'm so used to eating the same thing on a regular basis, this won't be a huge deal for me.

i have until the end of june to read 10 books. i'm working on it.

movies to see:
the greatest
the secret of kells
exit through the gift shop
mother
harry brown
the good heart

making the distinction between doing something because it seems right (and the harder route) or doing it because i want to (the foolish route).

if the classes i want don't fill up now (since one did, and i had to rearrange the schedule), my life may or may not be ending between the days of my birthday and 18th of july. first session ends on the 18th. second session starts on the 6th. i will have twelve days where i will have twelve units crammed down my throat. the things i do to have the desirable teachers. ratemyprofessor.com is fucking my life for twelve days.

i register tomorrow, and i hope that the writing class i want doesn't get filled up. i will be pissed if it does.

just because i can doesn't mean i should.

this can apply to many things. but yesterday/today this applies to procrastination. i didn't shower last night. didn't do my journal last night. didn't read last night. but i did go to bed, wake up and do it all before i went to class.

even though i got everything done, i need to practice doing everything sooner. do i like the thrill of being able to do things last minute and still have my shit together? maybe i do. maybe that's what procrastinators like.

destination failure has been on heavy rotation this week. along with lemuria, the lawrence arms, and '90s slow jams. interesting mix. anticipating mail!

not eating after 8pm is hard. self discipline! speaking of, i should probably read the things they carried and do my journal thing. or i could wake up tomorrow and do it. i am tired. should i shower? i did yoga earlier, but now i'm tired. hm.

all i have to say about my food rule is that at least it isn't something extreme like cutting carbs out of my diet, or fake meats (which i think would honestly be better for me) or stick to eating salads and fruit (even though i know that can probably produce better results). i'm just putting a time limit on when i can eat. eating at 11pm-12am at night is not good, especially if it's a regular thing.

what else did i discover today? my left arm can't support the weight of my body. this is no joke.

quizas, quizas, quizas

SOMEBODY has a job interview on thursday.


wish me luck.

i'm going to smell delicious for the next six months.

120 is the number.

i need to make some rules for myself.


1. can't eat if it's past 8pm.
2. drink more water.
3. yoga mondays+wednesdays.
4. cycling fridays.
5. read moar.


that is all. cheers!

my body/mind has a weird way of telling me about things i do/don't want. if i'm unsatisfied in a relationship or the person i'm dating, i don't break up with them. i'm just not nice to them. i am a straight up bitch to them. i know i'm not alone on this one.

and this thing now.. it's not like i haven't been asked out on dates, i just always say no. and the only person that has my affections has never asked or taken me out on a date, or i think ever will. maybe my body/mind knows this, and also knows that deep down i really don't want to be dating.. hence why i'm interested in someone who will never give me that.

MIRACLES.

another list?!

i have decided to spend the days between april 11 - may 11 for personal development time. what does this mean? i am going to stop hanging out just to hang out this month. there are many things i need to get done, and this is crucial time to get my shit together (school, fitness, reading, shit like that). what does this mean? i will not be going out of my way to hang out if there isn't going to be some personal gain. it sounds selfish, i know. but i want this. this in itself may be kind of hard to do, since i see people everyday. but i will try hard to keep to it.



activities where i will not mind company


1. watching movies (at home, or in a theater)
2. going to the gym
3. eating at places i have never eaten at before
4. nails done



personal goals

1. finish reading 10 books, plus christina's 2 by the end of june
2.


why am i making a list about this? i think that this is how everyone else leads their lives and maybe i'm just retarded when it comes to priorities.

the meet cute

i'm going to take this moment and appreciate how fast time flies.

If we hold on to each other while we die
Then together through a heaven we will fly

even though i'm older now, i still would prefer not to hear my mom yelling at my dad (regarding him not being a good parent) over the phone in the living room. she needs to stop setting up camp on the sofa because i'm sick of hearing her phone conversations.

songkran was on easter sunday. WTF. i actually wanted to go this year too.

in all seriousness, i had a dream that i weathered a tsunami with a baby on my back. seriously.. i was on a beach, and i saw the tide pull back really far into the ocean, and then a huge motherfucking wave came over me! i held onto a pole with the baby on my back, and we made it. for some reason, i didn't think we would though. then i attempted to sneak into some crazy part of disneyland with christina and we got caught or something and had to hustle out of there.

my dreams are so movie like sometimes.

how can you watch this and not be amazed?

let me explain why i am in awe. i did cheer for one year. it is hard. the stunts in that video are so good, like crazy good. imagine having to trust the possible breakage of bones on the people who are supposed to catch you from throwing you about 5-10 ft in the air.. they make it look easy, but it's hard. also, everyone on this team can tumble as well (and that in itself is pretty hard). the synchronization is on point, the choreography is really good. videos like this make me feel so out of shape.

SO UNBELIEVABLY FUCKED.

on the bright side.. is there a bright side? i will bleed on you if you come near me.

my wisdom teeth are really starting to hurt. i should get them out before july. my period should be here either today or tomorrow. thank goodness.

you know, i feel pretty emotionally drained (and have been as of late). i like this not having to worry about another person thing. today was a very family oriented day.

in dreams, emotions are overwhelming.

attacking red fish. floating on cardboard over a lake? escape the attacking fish by running up some random escalator that was attached to the lake. then i'm at a gas station at macarthur/bison and i'm about to leave for amber's house. then someone tells me justin timberlake was gay and chaz was too. someone mentions something about cameron diaz outing him. meeting my pen pal at a gap, i had a pan of pasta with me in a brown bag. i ask my pen pal about seeing faye reagan at that weakerthans show. he gives me a cigarette (camel turkish) and i have a hard time smoking it. black moth super rainbow's music starts playing (i think) and zooey deschanel picks me up and i'm magically lifted to my bed from that gap. i wake up in the bed realizing i never went to amber's house, and send her a text. i look for my pen pal. mild confusion.
i think i might have been in an aquarium at some point. i was also in what looked like my old gymnastics place but there was a weird tournament going on (sponsored by vans?) and the westminster high school cheerleaders were in there practicing their tumbling. but they weren't very good.

i'm finding more and more that it's getting harder to live with my mom every day. i completely love her, but her living habits are driving me nuts. i mean it. except that i have no way to move until i transfer schools. that could be another two years. the only option i have is to change the situation, and take control of how the house is run.

is it that time already again?

1. wednesday yoga classes (with emily)
2. friday morning cycling classes (with myself)
3. new wardrobe (thanks tax refund)
4. still need a bike (so i can ride places and save gas)
5. new car too (so i can save money on gas)
6. wear more headbands/jewelry (consult megan about earrings)
7. maybe get a new haircut soon.. not necessarily shorter, maybe more layers..
8. get a job at uo asap (with bethany's help)
9. get a plane ticket to NY in may
10. pay off credit card debt (need monies, see #8)
11. pay andrew back (see #8)
12. learn how to wear hair in different ways (ask megan)
13. get more street cred (ask nakita)
14. get drunk sometimes (with nicole)
15. learn how to swim (group effort)
16. seek therapy (free at school)
17. vegas for my 21st (can all my women be there?)

i'm either getting carpal tunnel in my right hand/wrist/arm or.. it's just sore from being used with the computer more. i need to train my left hand on how to be my right hand.

at home in the town center.

had lunch at the uci town center veggie grill today with alex. i wasn't actually very hungry, so i ended up only getting a kids meal. the girl who rung us up asked if i was helen, and then gave us the employee discount. i was pleasantly surprised, because i wasn't on first name basis with this girl, but i had seen her around. how sweet! after lunch, we went to the tokyo lifestyle store, where i got some tracing paper and sea life origami. we went to the comic book store (alakazam) afterward, and spent a pretty good amount of time in there. i ended up getting some really awesome stationery sets, and i can't wait to use them. on our way out of the town center, i ran into matt from vg, who i guess was just getting off work. everyone just seemed so nice today. today was a good day.

i just ate the jameson cupcake i got from babycakes last week. i wasn't expecting to taste so much jameson.

How stupid is it?
For all I know you want me too
And maybe you just don't know what to do
Or maybe you're scared to say: "I'm falling for you"

between knocking out after coming home from lake elsinore, and waking up to go to emily's 21st birthday, i'm nearing a resolution for things. i think.

what am i supposed to think when someone says "and you think this is supposed to be incentive for me to take you on date?"

obviously not have any incentive to be their friend.

ALSO, why would you need incentive to take someone on a date? can't you just do it because you genuinely enjoy hanging out and like the person? or am i being too basic here?

i'm starting to really hate everything. but today was a good day.

5 bands i have never liked or will ever get into

1. green day (if you want me to be truthful i hate the sound of billie joe's voice. everyone says dookie was a milestone. but i don't care. never liked green day.)
2. the white stripes (
3. kings of leon (i've given aha shake heartbreak a shot, and nothing)
4.
5.

i'll get back to this later.

stupid observation #1

watching jimmy fallon right now. kristen stewart is guest. she acts the same in person as she does in twilight (like she's choked up and can't finish her sentences). she's also got really bad posture.

i fucked up my top 5 simple pleasures list, so...

things i will never wear:

1. aviators or ray bans
2. anything that is floral print
3. ripped tights (i even feel hesitant to wear tights if there is a tiny hole, but since i am not made of money i can make that exception)
4. cardigans that don't have that classic cardigan shape (for example: cardigans that don't have buttons, the kind that are longer in the front than in the back, cardigans that are 3/4 sleeve)
5. buffalo plaid print (it's been bastardized time and time again [f21, urban, tilly's killed it - and not in the good way], and now it just looks terrible. except for those yellow buffalo plaid creative recreation shoes nakita has)



things i can't say no to wearing:

1. shirt dresses
2. vans lo pros
3. dark colors (black, navy, dark green)
4. j brand jeans (pencil leg only)
5. striped anything

investing time in something is dangerous. prime example: people. investing time in people, means investing some sort of trust (maybe not to the fullest extent), and giving people the power to let you down. that's the hardest part. are people afraid of being happy because they're afraid of getting hurt? it's entirely a vicious cycle. me, getting hurt by someone who's afraid of being happy because he's afraid of being hurt is making me feel weary about being happy because i don't want to get hurt. you get the picture.

also, internet archaeologist finds ruins of friendster civilization.

sprang brake D00D

outline spring break accordingly.. i may have to get an oil change for my uncle's car. i wonder if he'll be mad when he gets back and sees how many miles i will have put on his car by the end of the month.

(this is from 3-12 to 3-21)

friday - coffee at viento with steph, hung out with amber at the spectrum, rescued nicole from hb

saturday - geo 181 at crystal cove, aliso creek beach, dana point. food at locali and hausa at the new beverly.

sunday - embarked on boat in dana point harbor.. went to san onofre state beach to observe rock formations. slept all day. awake at 11pm.

monday - grocery shop, clean room/house, feed my uncle's fish and water his grass at lake elsinore (errands day). hang out with bp and rikki in the evening time.

tuesday - the birch aquarium in la jolla

wednesday - homework day? i do have homework.. get the oil checked on my uncle's car maybe.

thursday - la day with z.

friday - if i go to monterey bay aquarium, the day would have to start at 5am, fisherman's wharf.. and maybe be an overnight sf stay? maybe redeem my ike's coupon? i could take the 101 up there and sightsee on the way too.

saturday - interview at SCP at 1230PM.. if i can reschedule this to later in the day i think i will..

sunday - brunch and watching the wolfpack hustle alleycat race on sunday with bp.. i may have to get up extra early if i want cookies/sandwiches from the taste of life booth at the hollywood farmers market.. coffee at chango might be a must..

you know when you look into the mirror, and you're tired of what you see? yeah.. i feel boring. my hair has been unchanged since april. i'm so used to wearing a little bit of makeup that when i don't, i feel like i look sickly. i'm pretty sure my femininity was challenged tonight. maybe i should start wearing more dresses, or girlier clothing at least..

why is rosetta stone so expensive? i need the french level 3. i don't have room in my class schedule to take anymore french classes, and i still want to learn the language more.

something pointless.

i'm looking after my uncle's yaris while he is away in laos for a month. i've driven it before, back when he had to replace my tires. anyway, driving his car is like driving a toy car. not in a bad way though. any complaints will only really be centered around me not being used to his car. i've been driving my car since right after i turned 16. of course i am far more used to it and accustomed to everything about it.

yaris -
pros:
-mpg (29/36)
-small
-zippy

cons:
-stereo
-i feel like i'm sitting in a highchair (but my uncle has some seat pad or something for comfort, that's why)
-his car battery died today! i have to call triple a tomorrow because apparently no one i know has jump cables.

my car -

cons:
-mpg
-feels like i'm driving a tank (it's a heavy car)

so cute.

listening to boys life and pondering the meaning of life.

my big gripe about tumblr is that many people i'm following are just reblogging other things. or not really writing anything. i suppose that's more of a vehicle to be doing that than blogger, right? it just sucks because i hate getting this feed of these people i know reposting shit to express their interests.. someone else's interests.. who probably just posted them because they knew it was going to be resposted.. and it's a bunch of unnecessary shit that means nothing. there, i said it.

the big catch to buying something for less than 10 dollars (that came with free shipping) is that i won't be receiving it until a month to the date that i ordered it. awesome.

it's time for everything to be perfect. it's time for everything to
stop hurting tonight.

what is it that everyone is looking for anyway? i can't seem to grasp the idea that people need people. it sounds so ridiculous to me right now. why do i need people? do i need people? if you need me, i'll be finding my sanctuary at the dollar theater at 7.

i was gonna say that today is a dfa1979 kind of day. but then again, every day could be a dfa1979 kind of day. truth.

cutest boy and taco bell.

on closing off.

i think it's time to close up shop. you can never really get hurt if you never let anyone get close, right? and i know that it may be cowardly or whatever, you know, with the whole 'but what if you miss out on something really good?' or 'you have to take those kinds of risks to ever have a chance at knowing something real' but this is what i need, for now.

on another note, i've found a new video to take pointers on moves from for the next time i karaoke.

looks like new york will have to be from may 22 - may 30. it's what my summer school sched allows. ok.

i always forget how much i enjoy sleeping in the comfort of my own bed. the couch in sf was great to me.. the first night. i think the cushions slipped out a bit from under me last night, and now i am laying in my own bed with sore sides. i should be hitting the sack soon, since i have to be up early to roll out to sunken city (which i'm excited for).

really dropping the ball. i mean really. extremely scatterbrained. prioritizing my time all wrong. money managing is almost nonexistent. uncertainty at its worst.

i haven't written in here in a little bit. i don't even know if i'm going to right now. i am quite content at the moment. but that's not to say that my hunger has been satiated just yet.

au lac needs real noodle bowls.

simple snacks at christina's last night

SF IV Tier List

God Tier
Sagat

Top Tier
Ryu
Zangief

High Tier
Balrog (Boxer)
M. Bison (Dictator)
Akuma
Chun Li
Blanka
Rufus

Med. Tier
Viper
Ken
Dhalsim
Abel

Low Tier
Guile
E. Honda

Bottom Tier
El Fuerte
Vega (Claw)

can you smell what the rock is cooking?

hang out day with dan lee today. we went to the kings game at the staples center today and went to real food daily after that. pretty fun stuff. NOT FUN sitting in traffic.

to be honest though, i'm feeling a little bit helpless. close friends around me are dealing with huge events in their lives, and i feel terrible for not being able to ease the pain for anyone. not being able to help makes me feel awful.

i guess i should head over to jamie's now.

.

how am i still awake? i only just got two hours of sleep this morning, from 645am-9am. and i'm still awake now. i thought i was in zombie mode today, i will be a mega zombie tomorrow. did i mention i thought princess mononoke was really good?

spring cleaning has begun. i nearly had a heart attack today, no joke.

baby girl, you and me can kick it like a field goal.

tired. happy. going to try and petition that history of international cinema class tomorrow. i might stuff envelopes for steph's dad for some extra $$$. i like hanging out with her family too. what else is there to do tomorrow? may try and watch princess mononoke tonight, so i can send that back tomorrow. that's if i don't fall asleep first.

caroline always seems to cry.

i want to say that it was recently that i've figured out what i want when it comes to dating. i hate talking about dating. but here is the one time i will talk about it. i used to be attracted to dead-end guys. guys with little to no ambition, guys who drank too often for my liking, guys who didn't have their shit together. i used to be attracted to guys based off of my first impression, looks especially. i will openly admit it, and i'm sure many people feel the same way. but it doesn't work like that for me anymore. it's hard for me to be attracted to someone now who i feel may be going nowhere - fast. i want the person i'm with to want more out of life. life is never very long. but if you want to make the most of it, then great. i'm not looking to be in a relationship anytime soon, but when i do find someone, i'd like for it to be a real, lasting relationship.

machine-made lace.

i just put gosford park on. i am excited to see this. school tomorrow at 2pm. that'll give me time to possibly set up a counseling appointment, maybe speak with the vice president of student services, and check out therapy the school offers.

things to do this week:
-get those forms back from jamie
-apply at uo at fashion island
-order textbooks via amazon
-see if i can add either intro to film genres or intro to marine science
-get my car washed (finally)

movies to see this week:
-leap year
-the young victoria
-an education (again)
-youth in revolt (maybe)
-the room (on saturday)

thom's having a thing at his house in la on friday. saturday is the room. i'm trying to get a group together to go to the star party at the griffith observatory for next saturday, that should be neat. there are a ton of familiar faces in this movie, so far. goodnight.

braaaaaaaap.

the sound of all this was so appealing..

i think i'm a narcoleptic. it's not something i've ever been diagnosed for. but that could explain why i fall into REM sleep so quickly and dream, even if i'm only asleep for 10 minutes. and it could explain why i am always so tired during the day. who knows. i don't know why i've put off calling my uncle for so long. GUH. great night last night, it was benny's last night in town so some people were over at chanel's making cinnamon rolls. i had to leave early to meet z back at my house. we ended up watching katt williams' the pimp chronicles, and played a round of marvel vs. capcom 2 (which i totally beat him in). felt bad that i couldn't drop by dan lee's birthday party at southall's house, but i was pretty tired anyway. excited for school tomorrow.

I SAID NO CHEESE, OK?!

i just got home from spending the past two days in anaheim. the company renato works for came down for an annual conference/event called "all hands". on the first day they took us all to california adventure, and then a cocktail hour and dinner at stage 17 (which is in ca adventure). it was pretty nice. he got an award for best new developer of the year. all of his friends/coworkers seemed really nice. a little on the dorky side, but i can hang. there was endless wine, so i had a pretty good buzz going. after ca adventure, we went back to my house to grab some stuff (and get my car). i had to be up early the next day to go to the aquarium of the pacific with all the other guests of the novacoasters. i felt like i was on a field trip again. it was pretty awesome. we rode in a separate car from the 15 seater van, since there was a couple more of us. after the aquarium, we went down the way to belmont shore to 2nd street and walked around for an hour or so. there was a really neat candy store on that street, and i checked out fingerprints as well. fingerprints was kind of meh. i don't know what i was expecting but it was just ok. i didn't leave super impressed. after we got back to the hotel, i got ready for dinner and took a nap just before. there was another cocktail hour (endless wine, again) so i went into the ballroom with a pretty good buzz already. after everyone spoke who was gonna speak, they started up casino night. they gave you fake money before you went in (1000) and you could trade them out at tables for chips to play. i played poker, roulette, and blackjack. i must have done something right because i came up with about twice as much as what i started with. occasionally, the dj would do trivia, and a bunch of us hustled over when he said we were going to do star wars trivia. i only got to answer two questions right but they were pretty tough. questions like what toy company was the first to manufacture star wars action figures? and who were the first four characters that were produced? things i didn't know. the only questions i got were "carrie fisher - dead or alive?" and "who was obi-wan's master?" also, i think i was a permanent fixture at the karaoke machine all night. basically, i had a really fun night. these were good nights to close up my winter break with. i felt a little bit like natalie keener from up in the air last night, except without the heartbreak.

i sang the chiffons' one fine day on my own. i love that song. now i gotta hurry up and get my day started. clean my car, my room, do some laundry, go to the bank, and call my uncle.

almost doesn't count.

just watched when did you last see your father and sunshine cleaning. both movies were MEH. i'd already read and heard that sunshine cleaning wasn't very good, but i love emily blunt so i watched it anyway. i hadn't heard too much about when did you last see your father, and from what i gathered, that movie was just alright. a little bit depressing, cinematography didn't amaze me, the story didn't really either. i do like colin firth though. i have my brother's ps3 in my room right now so i have the luxury of netflix instant watch for the night. it's too bad i won't be home tomorrow or friday, i won't get a chance to use it until saturday/sunday.

i have to be awake in about 5 hours, so i can get ready and do my hair and stuff. jr said he would be picking me up around 11-12 tomorrow. he asked me awhile back to be his guest for some conference thing the company he worked for was having down here in anaheim. he lives in santa barbara, but his parents live in rancho cucamonga, and i think that is where he will be driving out from tomorrow. i'm not quite sure what the plan is but i do know that tomorrow we are all going to california adventure, and then some big dinner afterwards. i believe he is going to be in meetings on friday, so all the novacoast guests are going to the long beach aquarium. i will admit that i am pretty excited about that. after that, i think it's casino night (somewhere) and then we all get smashed and go home the next day. sounds like a good way to end my winter break. well, saturday night is really the end of my winter break. but we'll see if plans follow through.

feelin' downtrodden, fresh kid turned rotten.

can i fit all this into one week? we may have to make it a week and a couple days. saturday, may 22 - wednesday, june 2. i think this may be manageable. i won't feel like i have to rush, and i'll have enough time to fit all this in there. i imagine i'll need a large suitcase.

Cafe Blossom
Neighborhood: Upper West Side
466 Columbus Ave
(between 82nd St & 83rd St)
New York, NY 10024
(212) 875-2600

Curly's Vegetarian Lunch
Neighborhoods: Gramercy, East Village
328 E 14th St
(between 1st Ave & 2nd Ave)
New York, NY 10003

Red Bamboo
Neighborhood: Greenwich Village
140 W 4th St
(between Avenue Of The Americas & Mac Dougal St)
New York, NY 10012

Lula's Sweet Apothecary
Neighborhood: East Village
516 E 6th St
(between Avenue A & Avenue B)
New York, NY 10009

Vinnie's Pizzeria
Neighborhood: Williamsburg - North Side
148 Bedford Ave
(between 8th St & 9th St)
Brooklyn, NY 11211

Boneshakers
Neighborhood: East Williamsburg
134 Kingsland Ave
(between Beadel St & Lombardy St)
Brooklyn, NY 11222

Atlas Cafe
Neighborhood: East Village
73 2nd Avenue
(between 1st Ave & 4th St)
New York, NY 10003

BabyCakes NYC
Neighborhood: Lower East Side
248 Broome St
(between Ludlow St & Orchard St)
New York, NY 10002

Wild Ginger
Neighborhoods: Little Italy, Nolita
380 Broome St
(between Mott St & Mulberry St)
New York, NY 10013

Lan Cafe
Neighborhood: East Village
342 E 6th Street
(between 1st Ave & 2nd Ave)
New York, NY 10003

Vietnam Banh Mi So 1
Neighborhoods: Little Italy, Nolita
369 Broome Street
(between Elizabeth St & Mott St)
New York, NY 10013

'Snice
Neighborhood: West Village
45 8th Ave
(between Jane St & West 4th St)
New York, NY 10014

Foodswings
Neighborhood: Williamsburg - South Side
295 Grand St
(between Roebling St & Havemeyer St)
Brooklyn, NY 11211

Theaters:

The IFC Theater - Waverly Cinema
323 6th Avenue
New York, NY 10014

Sunshine Cinema
Neighborhood: Lower East Side
143 E Houston St
(between 2nd Ave & Chrystie St)
New York, NY 10002

Museums:

The Metropolitan Museum of Art
Neighborhood: Upper East Side
1000 5th Ave
New York, NY 10028

Lower East Side Tenement Museum
Neighborhood: Lower East Side
108 Orchard Street
(between Broome St & Delancey St)
New York, NY 10002

Museum of The Moving Image
Neighborhood: Long Island City
3601 35th Ave
Astoria, NY 11106

New York Transit Museum
Boerum Place and Schermerhorn Street
Brooklyn, NY 11201

il y a.

i'm feeling really anxious to go somewhere. i'm looking at plane tickets for new york right after spring finals get out. 300 for a roundtrip flight, from may 21-28. that doesn't sound too bad, right? if i wanted to go to canada for spring break, it'd be around 500. what else can i do? i've been talking about a california road trip for awhile now, but it has yet to come to fruition. i have certain destinations picked out, but getting friends along for it and the money as well has yet to happen. another big downside is that my car is not gas efficient. if i want to go somewhere far, i need a car that's gas efficient. can you rent hybrids? sigh. if i had a hybrid, i'd probably be tempted to drive all over. anyway, here's a short list of ca destinations i have been longing to visit:

1. hearst castle
2. national john steinbeck center
3. monterey bay aquarium
4. old fisherman's wharf
5. winchester mystery house

not that long of a list.. yet. i want to throw in some camping in there as well. we'll see. it's a work in progress.

by the way, i am molting like no other. my hair seems like it's falling out kind of. or maybe i'm just noticing because i've been running my hands through my hair quite a bit lately. MUR.

you like me when i'm not waiting for you, but i like you most all the time.

brunch yesterday morning went pretty well, i got french toast at avanti with some of the boys yesterday. i liked it, but i think i prefer m cafe's. after leaving costa mesa, i went to megan's house and hung out with her for all of the middle day. she made really amazing pasta salad (really simple, but so good) and a lentil wrap for me. we went to starbucks for coffee earlier and we ran into aria there. now, keep in mind, i don't think i've ever met him in person but i see his updates on myspace all the time (railcars), and that was really strange. he was very good looking in person. after megan and i ate, we watched chasing amy. i feel like i've heard so much hype about this movie, i even wiki'd it long before yesterday. it was alright. i'm not a huge kevin smith fan, but this movie was just ok. afterwards, bethany and chanel picked me up and we went to meet up with the boys at the uci theater to see a single man, that tom ford movie. i thought it was alright. us girls went to loco after, that was pretty neat. i love the pasta nights there.

megan is making me dinner (like old times)

your eyelashes tickled my neck, with every nervous blink.

let's sum up new year's eve in a nutshell: so great. i was initially stressed at first a teeny bit, but everything ended up working out. met up at z's place in long beach, and we hit huntington first for the ramp party. i got kind of drunk here. seeing z eat shit was so awesome. i mean that in a good way, of course. everyone who lived in that house was super cool, and the girlfriends were all too nice too. i also ran into a kid that i met while i was working at american apparel too! he works at the art center up the street from there AND goes to school at ivc (where i've bumped into him before too). so awesome. good hangs. we went to his friend molly's party in hb as well after that, and i ran into haley (who used to work at santa ana AA) and z bumped into someone who went to elementary school with him in burbank. random! first party was better, though. after we left there, we sped on over to MV where andy and co. were at. it was a huge ass party with strobe lights and stuff, and all the employees of urban/the union line/hardcore kids/people who shop at urban were here. ran into a good number of classmates, and also another guy who i met while i worked at AA. so strange! we didn't make it inside the house by the time the countdown ended, so we kissed right outside the house. too sweet. there was a blue moon tonight too! shit, this night was all sorts of good. went back to z's and hung out and napped for an hour or so and i just picked up some del and came home. good recap, huh? good riddance, 2009. you brought me one good thing, and i'm taking it with me to 2010.

i forgot to mention that at the ramp party, one guy messed up some trick he was doing and his skateboard came shooting in my direction and hit my on top of my foot. i pretended like it didn't hurt while it happened (can't show weakness, of course), but now that i am in the comfort of my own home i'm going to be a baby about it now. it hurts! it is swelled up right now.

THIS is a new year's party.