i forgot my nautical themed pashmina afghan for the boat party.

but that was okay, because it was totally fun! i was kinda sketchy about it at first, but it turned out to be really cool. there was about 10 people there, andy made ice cream and we all played games aboard a boat docked in newport harbor. we met up with everyone around 9, and then carpooled over to the dock. the first game we played was charades, and we split the team up with 3 boys and 2 girls on each team. in the end, my team (me, aj, ryan, jon, and madison) won. i haven't played that game in a really long time, and i forgot that it can be fun. second game was never have i ever, and peter and bethany were the last ones standing, but bethany got beat out by "never have i ever had a vagina". such a cheat, but funny all the same. last game we played was truth or dare, via my iphone. this one was hilarious. this game lasted until around 3AMish. my voice is really hoarse from all the yelling that went on during this game. overall, really fun night. i feel really satisfied with all the hanging out that is happening over winter break. it's probably because i usually work during winter break. first winter break i haven't worked since sophomore year. that's ridiculous.

tomorrow.. so i guess burbank fell through since collin (whose house it was gonna be at) has to film travis pastrana jumping some ridiculous jump in the long beach harbor on his subaru. i guess he wasn't gonna get home in time to have a party. z said he had agreed to go to a ramp party beforehand that he had forgotten about and that i could join him and we could see where to go from there. options: someone from the union line is having a party in MV (bethany says), adam's girlfriend is having a party in HB, josh southall and his roommates are having one in rsm at their apartment, and pita is going somewhere on a party bus (that christina was going to inquire about). who knows. all i know is, six flags on friday, brunch saturday and hopefully stuff i eat on that day.. and then the hollywood farmers market on sunday. let's see how the rest of the week rolls.

a taste of life

i think i am coming down with something. half of me believes it is that room heater being left on all night that is making my throat hurt to begin with. i feel like this happens often when i leave it on overnight. another is that my mom was sick for a long time, then my brother got sick right after, and then my sister had swine.. i don't know. i have a pretty good immune system though. i drank some tea earlier (this could be the reason i'm still up right now at 5:11AM). i really want to see sherlock holmes, the young victoria, and a single man.

boat party later today at ryan's.. i still have to go new year's dress searching. i have a feeling this search might end at h&m.
side note: infomercials at this time of night are so ridiculous and entertaining.

what else is on the agenda for this week? six flags on friday for ryan's birthday, then brunch the next morning at avanti cafe. i really want to go to the hollywood farmer's market for some vegan 'mcmuffins' before he leaves for portland though. AND, i'd like for us all to go to stuff i eat. since i feel like they would be down to go since they are both away for school for most of the year. him, benny and i went to posers on melrose where he got some new clothes, and then we all went to cruzer's to get some calzones before going back home to watch broken embraces at the university 6. dean was actually working for once, and he gave me a carrot cake and two cookies and a drink (all of which i distributed pretty evenly). the movie itself was like a C+ status.. it was very long, but it didn't seem like it needed to be. the main actor in the movie looks like a spanish patrick swayze (i said), kelsey grammar (andy said) and robin williams (benny said). haha. i want to see the young victoria really bad.

i need to get some different tea tomorrow from the store and maybe throat drops. i need to be better soon.

tom dale at j.c's bean in dana point.

tauntaun...

no, i never got my tauntaun sleeping bag for christmas. good hangs all day with tom dale. started at jc's bean in dana point. it was the cutest coffee shop i've been in lately, and i mean the actual place itself - unlike alta. that's just a coffee shop filled with beautiful people. then we went to loco because i was super hungry. then! a trip to mission mall. we stopped in the apple store to say hi to a bunch of people, then went into the microsoft store because tom had yet to see it. spent a couple hours talking to his mom and dad after i took him home. they are such nice people. AND THEN, i got my alejandro's fix (finally) and went to see emmie in yorba linda (since she's going on vacation to washington until school starts).

whittling down the amount of info about me that's on my fb. it may be dumb, but i think i want less of me out there. if you want to know me, knock. come in.

girl you know i-i-i

christmas was bland as expected. i don't want to talk about the bad stuff right now. let me recount some good.

went with cody and brian to santa barbara today. it was actually a really good drive. we stopped at vegan express on the way, NOT GOOD. that was only because:

1. cruzer's wasn't open until 4. what kind of hours are those?
2. pure luck was closed. MEH.
3. vinh loi is closed until new year's. REALLY?! i really really wanted to go here. bumout.

at least i know never to go that route again. the drive itself was pretty good, no traffic at all. we went to cody's house he shares with like 5 other people (very similar to the house in suburbia) to get his work clothes and dropped his stuff off, then went to the starbucks he works at with brian. brian and i killed some time there, and then i drove home to meet up with nakita and dan lee to see the frog and the princess. but on the way home, i made a pit stop at cruzer's to pick up a calzone and use their bathroom (cody made me a coffee drink and it traveled fast). the princess and the frog was interesting, to say the least.

i have a bad habit of making too many plans and not being able to follow through with all of them.

1. i never made it to tara's.
2. didn't get to hang out with emmie (she was supposed to sleep over).
3. didn't get to hang out with andy (he got super bummed, i feel really awful about this).

ultimately, i feel really relieved to be home. i'm not stoked about the verbal beating i am going to receive from my mom about not being home, but i honestly would have to be a masochist to willingly want to hang out with her. i've decided not to talk to her for awhile.

christmas 2008/2009

giovanni ribisi and chan marshall. WHY is she wearing uggs?

i hope santa brought you loads of goodies from his giant sack last night.

merry christmas everyone! we haven't really celebrated christmas since we were a little bit younger. holly moved out, we didn't like putting lights up anymore (because they'd be up til january or longer), and we didn't really long for a christmas tree or anything. basically, on christmas morning we sometimes exchange gifts.. sometimes. christmas isn't that big of a deal to us because we aren't religious either. it's just like any other day, except everywhere is closed except the movie theater and disneyland. on the bright side, let's recap christmas eve (which was probably far superior than today has the potential to be):

went to christina's house for a bit.
coffee with priyesh at corner bakery before he went to his parents'.
had loving hut with ryan ponce and allie.
hung out with allie and john at john's beforehand.
christmas eve dinner at andy's. his mom made indian food. i met some of his family. we did icebreakers to "introduce yourself and add a fun fact", and when it came to me, i got nervous so i was talking kind of fast, and the word really slipped out as 'rearry'. hilarity ensues.
i saw up in the air with dan lee, and it was pretty good. i recommend it.
hung out with allie and john some more. and now today is christmas!

i feel like i left some things out from yesterday. but when i remember, i'll let you know. i am mega sleepy and don't know how much i want to go to lake elsinore (but i will probably end up going anyway).

aaron. this followed him showing me mr. chi-city's dollar menu millionaire video.

bonfires on the heath.

big headache. i feel like i've been away from the blog for a bit. i need estrogen. or to be around more females. i know this sounds impossible, but i think i've heard enough dick jokes this week to last me for awhile. i always forget how different it is when you're hanging out with a group of males being the only female. it makes me wonder how it feels for a male when he's the only male in a group of females. cody refers to it as "bro-ing down", which is a funny term in and of itself. guys just have to be guys when they're around their friends, i think. when i asked him if all guys talk about was their junk, he asked me how often girls talk about their boobs. then i think, "ah, ok. i get it now."

i have a massive headache right now. if i caught my brother's sickness, i'm going to be so bummed. it doesn't really feel like christmas to me. that's ok, maybe tomorrow at sleepyhead's house it will. or andy's if i go over there for dinner. his mom made a peanut butter chocolate pie. i am not a fan of sweets by any means, but the pie did look really pretty.

destined to be a zombie later today.

spreading holiday cheer, duh.

you wanna marry me, you say that i'm the real deal.

exercised my benefits of being andy's "spouse" today at the urban at fashion island. christina's mom got me a skirt for christmas. so awesome. we went into anthropologie first, and i tried on those j brand denim leggings that i've been wanting to for awhile. so lately, my black j brands haven't been fitting like usual. was it that i've just had those pants for a long time and they just stretched out? do they stretch out? BUT. i tried on size 27s in the store, and they were too big. is this some sort of miracle? i even tried on the 25s and they fit. now that was weird. there wasn't a 26 in the store for me to try on to see if it fit best. but we know now it's either size 25 or 26. WOW. i don't feel any different. spent most of today with magda, and then i went to ponce's for a bit since i hadn't seen him in awhile. met his girlfriend from north carolina via skype/videochatting. she seems nice. and then i got hungry.

so, undecided between loving hut and dean's.. i went to dean's. arthur and i were just talking about this the other day, how we both hadn't been there in awhile. so i went. i got pizza, and figured i'd go back to andy's to wait up until he got home from work at 11. hung out with him and rachel for a little bit after that. i think she is heading back to running springs tomorrow, and i think she's going back to portland the day before new year's. andy and i made semi plans to go to his friend collin's new year's party. that will only happen if:

1. christina doesn't have a party
2. i don't get to spend it with whom i want to

why is this the criteria? because i'd like to either be drunk, or kissing someone i want to at midnight. why is this important? because new year's eve is my favorite fucking holiday. i can't really explain why it stands so high on my list. it just feels like the end/beginning of something, and i think i really like that.. even though the only thing that really changes is the last two numbers in mm/dd/yy. anyway, i feel like i may need to get a new dress for this occasion. we'll see how this turns out.

i should be heading off to bed soon. i still have that screening at 930am tomorrow. then going with magda to get an iphone. listening to the follow the lights ep. i think i will wear that skirt tomorrow.

DDD

i am emotionally and physically drained as fuck. i'm convinced she's trying to kill me.

calzone from cruzer's last night

thanks, alex.

first day of winter break - complete success.

you were there with me, and we were free.

today was a good day. first day off after finals. amber and i went to the la natural history museum (which i have not set foot in since elementary school) and we saw a lot of cool displays and stuff. granted, we got there like 2 hours before they closed so we weren't able to take our time. apparently samuel oschin and his wife donated money to this place too, the african mammal wing is named after them. samuel oschin and his wife donated money for the planetarium at the griffith observatory. super cool. they have an actual megamouth shark and an oarfish preserved in what i'm assuming is formaldehyde or something. so crazy! i wonder what a giant squid looks like in person. even better, a colossal squid! not that many of those wash up or anything, they are super deep water dwelling creatures. i really liked the museum. it reminded me a bit of the santa barbara natural history museum, but on a grander scale. a huge portion of it was under renovations, so a good portion was cut off. the usc stadium was right across the way from the museum, that was kind of neat. it was super huge. after we left the museum, we were headed to wacko to see if we could find any cool gifts for christmas presents (and for my sister's birthday). there was a record shop on that street called vacation, i definitely want to go back there soon and check it out a little bit more thoroughly. they had a bigger selection of heavier stuff there. i liked the way that everything was organized there.

after we left wacko, we walked up the street to cruzer's. i haven't been back here since allie and i came before we went to the griffith observatory, and that was in august. but since then, they've become the first all vegan pizzeria in california. i wasn't too hungry, but i wanted to show my support so i got a calzone with daiya cheese, green peppers, mushrooms and pepperoni in it. delicious! amber and i split one and we killed it in probably less than 5 minutes. we left cruzer's and went to scoops for ice cream afterwards. i haven't been to scoops since dan lee and i went that one day, and that was also awhile ago. actually, i think it was recently after my birthday because i remember him buying my ice cream and pure luck on that day. so july-ish. i had a scoop of vanilla oreo and chocolate hazelnut. super good. i had a really good time hanging out with amber. i think we are both super relieved to be on winter break right now. we are gonna go see the room on saturday at midnight. excited.

i may have to go to target and buy some wrapping paper and a tall box now. get my shit wrapped together before i gift them and stuff, you know.

WTF IDT

simply put, the normies don't get it.

i am so late on this but.. i love the uptempo version of birthday sex by jeremih. i really just heard it when i went to nakita's birthday, and aaron was playing his company of men mixtape and that song was on it. but wow, i really like it. don't hate.

finals are over. i could jump for joy, i'm so excited. i think my very minimal christmas shopping is done. i don't have too much money left over, better use that to pay off some of my parking tickets. now i need to find a tall box.. maybe i'll just do that after i actually have a full night's rest.

2nd Christmas gift this year

And it's from my favorite future in-laws, the wirths! (kidding) I have yet to
open it, but I'm curious as to what it is.

fucking shit!

i'm gonna rant about something now. i just saw the damned united (michael sheen, jim broadbent, timothy spall) and it was really fucking good. like, REALLY GOOD. and i was thinking about how funny it was that michael sheen was in the twilight movie that came out earlier this year (new moon) and jim broadbent and timothy spall had both been in harry potter movies (as professor slughorn and peter pettigrew, respectively). here is what i'm wondering: why are the harry potter movies so fucking bad?

i mean, i go to the theaters to watch them and all. i have seen each one. but it's because i love the books. but i'm being truthful here, not one harry potter movie has stood out to me. of the six that have been released. there is not one harry potter movie i long to watch over and over. the last one i saw was the sixth one, and that was in theaters. i think i tried to watch it a second time and left because i couldn't sit there any longer. honest. and it's really funny when i think about the lord of the rings, because they banded together a bunch of not so well known actors, i would go so far as to say that put together, they were a probably just above mediocre (at the time). and that's not talking about them individually (we all know viggo mortensen and cate blanchett are amazing). the movies are classic. i honestly think i could watch the extended dvds OVER and OVER. yes, those dvds that are 3+ hours long each. i have each one's extended edition.

in harry potter, there are a slew of well known stars. richard griffiths, dame maggie smith, gary oldman, timothy spall, jim broadbent, ralph fiennes, helena bonham carter, helen mcrory, and so on. but why are the movies so bad? i mean, don't get me wrong, they are entertaining. but i don't really ever have a longing to watch my harry potter dvds. maybe once a blue moon i'll pop it in. but in the last year alone, i have not watched any of them. and different directors have directed different books. chris columbus had the first two, alfonso cuaron had the third one, mike newell had the fourth, and david yates has the fifth, sixth and seventh. but i don't particularly love any of them.

basically, i was just ranting because i can't see how the harry potter films don't feel like classics to me. but they're loaded with renowned actors/actresses. maybe i just really loved lord of the rings.

and don't even get me started about twilight. bad cast as a whole, bad movies as well. there are no win win situations there. i say peter jackson should have directed the last harry potter movie, and ian mckellen should've been dumbledore after the first one kicked the bucket.

sorry for getting off topic.. all in all, michael sheen was damn good in this movie. i think i may go watch it again. he is excused for being in new moon because he was so great in this movie. i must see frost/nixon now.

going to bed now, i spent all day inside peet's studying. and my notes aren't even halfway done. i really need to be on my game tomorrow. ichat and facebook cannot be open until after my geology final. i have to be done with my notes by 3-4 and then study for my astronomy final.. which is 1230pm the day after. GUH. must wake up by 10 tomorrow. i must i must.

by the way, before i forget.. queen amidala was in my dream last night.. i was going to some showing of twilight and i was beating on some noisy kids there.. i was driving on the way to a taping of conan o'brien and we drove past a house with a bunch of petrified trees on the front lawn.. and my driver's license didn't display my name or address.. that really threw me off.

favorite couple.

it's been raining for the past couple of days. i have been really enjoying it. i also need to not be sleeping late. this has been consistent for the past week or so. i'm talking to thom a bit about girl/boy stuff. he's really into some girl that he has been for the past three years but he's also had a jumping from girl to girl streak - not unlike my stint with the boys awhile back. but he's going to hang out with her this week or something, and from what he tells me he may try to put the moves on her. thom and i can be very frank and open with each other, i think that's great. i mean, how many guys do i know are comfortable telling me that some girls need a good dicking sometimes? of course it would be thom.

i should sleep soon. lots of studying to do tomorrow, since it's my last day and all before finals. huzzah!

Peet's with Christina

add another line to my wish list.

he asked me what i wanted for christmas. i think i was taken back because i may have been surprised that he thought about getting me something. and then i thought of what i'd been telling christina before about the only thing i really wanted from him. i told him that i didn't want anything for christmas. of course, this was a lie. and no, it's not what you're thinking. it's actually very simple, and just takes a bit of thought is all. i think he will be able to figure this one out.

also, completely unrelated to this post, but i can't decide if i want to be alone on new year's or not. it's my favorite holiday of the year, but i currently can't seem to talk myself into doing anything. i don't think i would want to be alone on new year's. but i feel like i have to be this year. it would definitely be a firm start to the beginning of the new year.

you've seen me at my worst. i don't think it's something you'll ever forgive me for, but you are still here. and i am so grateful for that. i think we both know that i've made enough mistakes to last me for years. i don't feel like you believe my heart or body to be much worth, because of how 'generous' i've been. that's okay. only time can really do anything for either of us now. maybe this time next year, you will have lost your innocence, possibly be dating someone (and not that pseudo-dating stuff) and maybe be in a serious relationship. do i know that? no. but you don't know either, it's the future. hopefully, this same time next year, i'll be semesters away from transferring to a 4 year myself and continue what i'm doing now. hopefully, i'll have a stable enough school schedule to handle having a part time job. and if my predicted future for you does come true, i may or may not be heartbroken because it wasn't me. but i'd be happy for you because at least i'd know that you finally found someone that you wanted. i don't want to tell you i'm sorry for who i was before i met you, because i'm not. things happened to me, and they made me the same girl you know now. i guess i always hoped our story would play out similar to 'lucky charm'. but somehow i don't think you'll ever change your mind. i don't think i will either.

until next year,
me

my feet are freezing. i hate being right sometimes.

But I'm getting tired all over again so hurry up
and get here because I'm still waiting...
just like I've always been.
I'm getting tired of standing around,
just sitting here and waiting to be found.
Same old shit just a different day.
I'll wait around for one more day
but I know that's what I will always say.
Will this ever be O.K.?
I will always worry about you.
I will always stick up for you.

do you ever associate songs with people? we all do it, or at least with certain periods of our lives.

dragonette's i get around (midnight juggernauts remix) - i think of carl showing me that work for the first time, and of linda and my little clubbing stint.
rilo kiley's initial friend ep - definitely reminds me of fall 2007, and my first visit to santa barbara.
minus the bear's "knights" - reminds me of going to veggie grill with aj from over two years ago.
my morning jacket's z -kalani and i cd shopping together at tower records when we used to be friends.
oasis' "don't go away" and rjd2's "making days longer" - reminds me of josh.
the get up kids' something to write home about - ryan a and the time following when we dated.
the ronettes' "be my baby" and she&him's "sweet darlin" - the first time z and i really hung out, before i went to see the shins.
weezer's pinkerton - arthur. i will be honest, arthur was the one that really got me into weezer.
longwave - in general, they remind me of winter time. probably because i saw them last december on the 12, and i was listening to them a lot around that time. so they remind me of cold weather. and it's pretty cold right now.
the verve's "bittersweet symphony" - christina and i were listening to this on our way to the beach in the summer of '07, where she tried to teach me how to swim for the first time.
the juliana theory's "the closest thing" - even though i heard this song for the first time in the 8th grade, ryan played it for me on guitar after we got home from our trip to sb together.
damien rice's "the blower's daughter" - reminds me of my sophomore year, right about the time i was getting my permit. i went to go see a movie with sean on a really cloudy day at the mann 8, and it was.. sideways. we walked on capo beach after and i remember thinking of the music video. haha.
death cab for cutie's plans - working at ben and jerry's. marco played this all the time.


and you know, i completely love when certain songs come on in the right moments in certain movies. it makes it significant when i put it on a mix. say i put remy zero's "fair" on a mix cd. it'll probably be because i'm thinking of that really sentimental moment between sam and andrew in front of the fireplace in garden state. or more recently, if i put the pixies' "here comes your man", because i'd probably been thinking about when tom from 500 days of summer was drunk karaoke-ing to summer and the rest of their coworkers. i love when movies find good placement for songs. especially if they are songs that aren't used frequently.

(this is a work in progress)

and she's my friend of all friends, she's still here when everyone's gone.

a quick explanation before i continue doing my homework at a snail's pace. my friends, are you currently suffering the opposite gender? here's something i've figured out between mid-october until now. the best way to protect yourself from getting hurt is just not to get involved. it sounds cowardly, but it's fool proof. if you don't invest energy into anyone, you can't be hurt. but on the off chance that you do meet someone, and it doesn't work out the way you want it to, go see your friends. i read somewhere that friends are the cure for heartbreak. i couldn't tell you the last time i was waiting on a guy to text me back. and you know what i mean. getting a text back from someone that you're interested in. the anticipation. i don't have that. and you know what? i feel so relieved. i've experienced the least amount of disappointment during the past month or more than i have in a long time.

i guess what i mean to say is that i am feeling appreciative right now of the people that i can really call my friends. if you've had to listen or watch me cry, put up with me talking in circles about a guy, given me advice that i didn't follow, given me alcoholic beverages to help me forget, or was just plan there for me. i love you all for it. and just so you know, i'm here for you too.

I am very grateful for Andy being a good cook. Tonight we are having
collard greens, mac and cheeze, bbq'd tofu and green tea shakes. The
movie I picked for tonight was Somers Town. The same guy who directed
This is England directed this as well. :)

am i not yours?

i think i feel like a big reason i can't listen to brand new a lot or too intensely is that i don't take it very seriously. not saying one has to take something super seriously in order to like it. but it's just not my cup of tea. or barely makes it beyond the "like" zone.

i have to work on sleeping earlier. long day tomorrow with studying and homework. finals next week. san francisco is out the door. i'm bummed about that, but it may be for the better. i need to rape these finals. speaking of rape, by the way... how scary is it parking next to some huge ass van with blacked out windows? anyway, i always get a little bit creeped out when i park next to rape vans. and especially if i have to walk back to my car at night or something. fuck rape vans.

it rained all day, and it was nice. i liked waking up to the pitter-patter sound of the water. the skies were grey and it stayed that way until around 2pm-ish. i wish we could have two weeks straight of that. i felt really productive getting envelopes, tea and going to the post office to send a package. i actually like being in the post office, funnily enough. i used to hate it.

i went over to the wirth household and had some tea, cookies and conversation with andy's mom. it was nice.

unexpected phone call, spur of the moment hang out. good night. i wonder if i'll be bumping that hall and oates song tomorrow morning now.. err, i mean, in about 3 hours.

well, i'm back.

i've all but stopped playing words with friends. i think i had too much of it. it's like when you eat the same food everyday for two weeks in a row, you kind of just want to take a really long break? that's what it is. i'm sitting in peet's right now just perusing the interwebs. some things i need to do real soon: bring in the rest of my paperwork to regal tomorrow, put my laundry away, not forget about my counseling appt at 930am tomorrow, start studying for my astronomy final AND my geology final. my feet are freezing. it's time to get serious for the next two weeks. it may just be 720, but i am really exhausted right now. probably from my lack of sleep this morning/last night. damn lord of the rings for playing all three back to back this morning. robbing me of my sleep. i couldn't say no. i don't know if there's a movie that moves me to tears as often in one sitting as the return of the king. here are some moments in the film that i can recall that get me really emotional:
(in no particular order)
-merry and pippin get separated because pippin was curious and took the palantir from gandalf
-merry and pippin reunite when the rohirrim come to the battle of minas tirith and pippin finds merry on the ground after he stabbed the witch-king
-eowyn is fighting to protect king theoden after the witch-king attacks him and later pulls off her helmet to reveal she is a woman.. and immediately afterwards, when king theoden dies
[i'll continue adding more as i remember]
-when aragorn finally sees arwen at the very end behind that banner she's holding, and they presumably wed
-when frodo leaves for the undying lands, saying that his wound had never healed and that the shire wasn't saved for him

i know the . is near when little things like a text back from someone two days later is a shock. just got home from seeing me and orson welles, and i thought it was really good. the guy that played orson did a really great job, he owned every scene he was in. and, zac efron truly is the ladies' choice. elia kazan's great granddaughter was in the movie as well. i thought that was interesting. she played an aspiring writer, a bit on the nerdy side, but she does end up with zac in the end. claire danes played a really good hoebag too. it was definitely worth watching. i can appreciate the 30's, but i don't love it. i love jason sudeikis, though.

also, i think lady gaga is sort of frightening.

<3

before i forget my dream from last night, i had a dream i was trekking up a trail that was in serrano intermediate with the objective of semi-rescuing christina from class or something. i figured i could just walk on the campus but came in the disguise of my old pe uniform. so i'm coming up there with one other person i think, and i go get christina and we make to leave, but we stop in the bathroom in the office or something. for some reason, all three of us got sick and were throwing up in the bathroom and then some evil looking teacher woman comes in and calls us to her office. she tells us that she is enslaving us for two days as her aides as punishment. i tell her christina has finals and shit and that i can't help her because i don't know how to speak spanish. i even remember bringing up that i had only taken french. haha. funny dream.

ass grabbin' and shit.

i made it to the blue laguna for nakita's birthday party tonight, it was pretty fun. i got the green light from peoples around 945 that there was no bouncer, and made it around 1030ish. a lot of people turned up tonight, with the exception of neal and a couple others i would have liked to see. at first it felt a little bit weird, because i think hayes and i were the only ex-apple employees that were there. everyone else was either a current employee, or a significant other of an employee. we still had a good time though. nakita looked super pretty tonight, btw! pictures will be up soon, i think. joe and her friend kevin took a whole bunch. i also felt a bit weird because the ratio of girls to boys was WAY off. and the ratio of available girls to available boys were off even further. it was a bit like being in a snake pit.

arthur, berto, daniel lee and i left at the same time. i drove them to their cars and drove myself home. funny thing was, i was REALLY sketched out about driving home. yeah, it was only 10 minutes away from where i live but i was scared i was going to get pulled over. this is going to sound bad, but i've been WAY more drunk before and driven home from as far as long beach, and i was not scared of getting pulled over. maybe i'm 'growing up'... haha. i'm going to bed and i reek of cigarettes. sadface. the battery of my computer is keeping my hands warm right now. it's 46 or lower out right now, which is freezing by my standards.

holiday photos tomorrow, possibly followed by a movie at the hayes household.. or karaoke at plush.

I've just decided that pointy looking flats are not cute.

put your hands on your handsome face.

while waiting for my brother to pick andy and i up from the spectrum last night, we talked about being mean. he said something along the lines of, "to be mean is like having a gun, you just have to pick and choose when you use it." i know, i know. no, i don't have a gun. but you know what he means. it does seem a bit morbid, the way he put that. last night after i got out of my geology class, i went off on the kid who sits next to me for giving my outlet away to the guy who sits next to him. why? because we agreed that we would share it since we sat there first and i guess, "claimed" them. but when the other guy pulled out his computer and gave the guy who sat next to me his plug, he plugged it in for him. was i pissed? of course. albeit something so little, it was the principle of the matter. ever called shotgun but then someone ran up to the passenger seat and stole it, even when you called it first? that is exactly what happened. then, other guy says to me, "i'm sure your battery will last." as if that was supposed to make me feel better about him taking that outlet from me. i kept my cool and didn't call him a fucking retard out loud, even though i really wanted to. i would liked to have said it to the kid who sat next to me who did that, but i just decided to give him the cold shoulder for most of the class. this kid is the kind of person who speaks at unnecessary times in class, and most of the things he says aren't really relevant to whatever it is we are learning about. yes, that guy. i wonder sometimes if he is mildly retarded. anyway, after class he's blabbering on about how far away his car is parked (and he's a much heavier guy) and i almost want to tell him that he may need the walk. anyway, i just kind of snapped at him and said, "next time i call an outlet, and you hear me, YOU BETTER NOT FUCKING GIVE IT TO THE KID NEXT TO YOU, OK?" i feel better at this point. he says, "ok, i will try harder next time." looking back on it, do i feel bad for snapping? not particularly.

everyone's got good and bad parts to them. that's just how we are built. i feel as if i've been playing nice for too long, and i am okay with being a jerk every once in awhile (if it's deserved). it's healthy.

the life and times.

i had the weirdest dream last night. i had a dream it was my birthday and a lot of people turned up. it was really random, but i recall only girls being there. we were at some bar or something. it may have been more enjoyable than my actual 20th birthday dinner. i think linda and i went to a nada surf show at the knitting factory, except that it was in the shopping center where christina and i get our nails done. i think ransley might have made a cameo. kristina ho did too. weird dream.

i have yet to eat today, i'm about to make some pasta. i'm going to regal to grab the reference sheets, watch an education at 650 and meet sean at chaya at 9ish. i feel like i am forgetting something. i keep forgetting what my plans are for tomorrow other than possibly going to the getty with andy, and then nakita's birthday if i can get in. i might've made other plans too, but i can't recall it right now..

this will be hanging, framed, in my room by next week.

site of the day.

hey! you're part of it.

just got home from seeing the fantastic mr. fox. good movie and good soundtrack. i'm looking for it online right now but no luck. also, i smell like coffee, probably because i was in peet's for most of the day. good news though, the fight against procrastination is still going strong. in my 6 hours at peet's today, i did see someone i haven't seen in over 2 years. i'm pretty sure he recognized me too, but i made sure to not make eye contact. it's awkward sometimes when you run into people you used to know, but have nothing real to say to them. i hate the awkward 'how have you been? what are you up to now?' conversation that follows because it's usually disappointing and well, awkward. my bedsheets will smell of coffee after i get up tomorrow, guaranteed.



so, it's been awhile since the last list and since i feel that lists are healthy, i'm going to make one now. this is for the span of the month of december.

TOMORROW:
-hang out with stephanie tomorrow, i didn't put it in my calendar so i might forget.
-d. lee wants to go to the kings/ducks game tomorrow night, i might not go to class (since i have yet to miss any classes yet) and go with. or we might just hang out in the day time.

THIS WEEK:
-finish franny and zooey. i'm halfway through with it already.
-the getty on thursday with andy, possibly. but we'd have to be back early because...
-nakita's birthday at the blue laguna. aaron is djing. starts at 10.
-finish norwegian wood, tortilla flat and burning fight. LAGGING, fo real. after that, i need to make use of my library card. first on the list: absolute beginners by colin macinnes.
-holiday photo with the girls and possibly watching 'what would jesus buy?' at the hayes household afterwards.
-geo field trip to dana point harbor on saturday at 9am.

THIS MONTH:
-get a new laptop. allie said she'd be able to hook it up with her discount, so I can get a 15 inch mbp for a pretty good price.
-get a haircut before the end of the month. this 'do will never be complete if i don't get a trim. split ends travel up the strand.
-i hate the word road trip. so maybe i'll say trip involving a car. if andy does get his license in a week or so he's probably going to get a car right after, and he says it'll most likely be a prius. we have a rough outline of this trip.
-watch up in the air (anna kendrick and george clooney), an education (one more time), the fantastic mr. fox (one more time), coco before chanel (because i love audrey tatou), broken embraces (because it's pedro almodovar), the young victoria (emily blunt) and nine (a musical, duh).
-rearranging my netflix queue as i type. moving all miyazaki to the top and probably following up with audrey hepburn classics. we'll see how that goes.

IN THE NEARBY FUTURE?
-gym. i have the time now, so i should make good use of it.
-working looks like a possibility back in the box office at regal. at least they are super flexible on hours and stuff. it won't be trouble getting days off or just working on weekends and hanging out on weekdays. no biggie.
-learning how to swim. if someone's got a heated pool and is willing to teach, i think i may be ready to learn.




“You take somebody that cries their goddam eyes out over phoney stuff in the movies, and nine times out of ten they're mean bastards at heart.”

"banning abortion will result in back alley, coat hanger tragedies.."

morans.

my mom's boyfriend was just yelling at his 5 year old son to stop playing with my old polly pocket because it would 'make him gay'. i told him that his son wouldn't 'turn' gay from playing with a toy geared towards girls. that really makes me angry, because he said it as if it was unacceptable for his son to be gay. i honestly think if i catch him saying something like that again, i'm really going to let him have it. he shouldn't be teaching his son that kind of ignorance. i get that his son isn't my brother or anything, but i'm not about to let him teach his son how to be a homophobe. ESPECIALLY not in this house.

also, i had a dream last night that i was at a cabaret type place and william shatner was performing. and then i was crossing a wooden bridge over a canyon. i remember wearing super sporty type shoes. and that i was in the back of pure luck and dean was working there, he was singing a song in spanish while he was working.

site of the day.

comin' home baby.

i need.. this. Mel Tormé Sings Sunday in New York and Other Songs About New York. i need to do a more thorough search for a download link. i have to take my brother to work in a few. christina and her mom showed up to peet's randomly, that was really cool. we are sitting here now, christina's working on grad school apps, her mom is on the phone, and i am reading. and allie just showed up! love it.

be my baby.

someone needs to bring 60s girl groups back. but not only in the form of she & him. something new, maybe? presenting the fabulous ronettes featuring veronica on vinyl is definitely on my christmas wish list. such a shame that phil spector turned out to be kind of nutty.

Andy and I

if you're wondering what my dinner looked like...

tonight i think i'll walk alone, i'll find my soul as i go home.

last post for today. had a last minute cramming session with ryan from my astronomy class. he always, without fail, has the highest grade on each test that we have taken. he explained everything really well to me, so i feel like i understood the material better than i normally do. i honestly feel prepared for this test. counting down 45 minutes.

i'm sitting in the coffee bean by the school, i forgot to take the parking pass out of my mom's car, and i have no cash on me so i can't get a day parking pass. frustrating, right? i could try parking in half hour parking again.. but i'd risk getting another parking ticket.

now that thanksgiving is pretty much over, it's time to think about christmas. i think i want to organize another classy christmas potluck like the one we did at tom dale's last year. it was fun, and a good number of people dressed up and came. ponce made really awesome gingerbread cookies last year, megan made pasta and bruschetta, i think i made really bland pasta/cucumber salad (lite dressing was NOT the way to go) and christina brought her super sweet greek cake. i'm pretty sure tom dale somehow ended up naked because he had gotten too drunk. yes, i'm almost positive of that. so, who feels like hosting it at their place this year?

side note: does anyone else feel like there's a party going on in their head when they hear temptation by new order? typical because it was used in that scene in trainspotting.. but i always feel like dancing when that comes on.

If it bends, it’s funny; if it breaks, it’s not funny.

i can't say why this is important to me at 3am but it is. here is an excerpt from a site analyzing crimes and misdemeanors (the 1989 woody allen movie).


As he struggles with what he has done, Judah begins a dialogue with his childhood image of his father.  He goes back to the house in which he grew up and imagines himself intruding upon a family seder in which his father is debating morality with other family members.  One “Leninist” atheistic aunt articulates the pragmatic realism that the film appears to teach:  “Might makes right.”  She says that six million Jews were killed and they got away with it.

Judah enters the debate asking: And if a man commits a crime, if he kills?

His father says that he will be punished, and that even if he is not caught, “That which originates in a black deed will blossom in a foul manner.” Aunt Mae provides the model that the film will follow:  “And I say if he can do it and get away with it, and he chooses not to be bothered by the ethics, then he’s home free.  Remember, history is written by the winners, and if the Nazis had won, future generations would have understood the story of World War II quite differently.”



ok, so i've been reading about crimes and misdemeanors. have i seen it yet? no. has it been on my netflix queue? yes. i get the gist of what happened. but i read that there is a scene at the dinner table where they discuss right and wrong, and so on. anyway, i read that one family member had discussed faith and religion, and that he would pick religious faith over the truth. another family member said that regardless even if you don't believe in heaven and hell, that you should live a good honest life because it makes life fuller. the aunt said that might makes right. basically, you won't feel repercussions for your actions if you don't WANT to.

so, what options are those?

1. the one who picks religion over truth, even if religion is wrong
2. the one who does good for the purpose of being good, no faith required
3. the one who chooses not to feel bad, and is able to do bad freely because of it (may or may not be religious)

i honestly don't know why i'm up this late commenting on this. maybe i should have registered for a humanities class for the spring. BUT. i would like to put it out there i that i would never be in category 1. i am definitely category 2 here. what does this mean? that i try to live as good and honest a life as possible. i'm not looking to usurp anyone and think that that's ok to do without repercussion (like some people i've recently dealt with). i may have done some bad in the past, but it didn't go without guilt or facing some sort of consequence/punishment. and that, i had to welcome with open arms. when you can't/don't have a conscience about something, that's when you've crossed the border into the category i like to call "bad" or "people i wouldn't want to be associated with" or "where the fuck is your integrity at?"

it's probably because i caught a glimpse of amber's study guide for her test in humanities today, and there was a quote on it that she had to know and it was: "god is a luxury i can't afford". i suppose it hasn't really left me today, which is why i am writing about it now.


while i'm on a roll (or not), let's talk about friendship. i keep losing these quotes from the movie i want to use. anyway, here's what i think (at least for today) about friendship: people.. are like puzzles. let's say a jigsaw puzzle. maybe like one of those 100 piece, easy to solve puzzles. ok, i strongly believe that one can't be close friends with a huge amount of people. i've never seen it work like that. i've seen people with many acquaintances, and few close friends. ok, so each person is a jigsaw puzzle. a friend of this person would be in charge of a certain number of pieces, or at least one. so once the pieces have been distributed, there aren't many or any more to give out. (this is where one person has acquired a satisfying amount of close friends) you say you can never have too many? let me say from my personal experience, when i feel like my heart is full, i don't feel like i need to branch out and try to establish a stranger to my life to fill the void of a close friend. that may just be me though. when one of your friends, close or just a friend, does something that causes them to lose their piece(s) of the puzzle, you have room for someone new. i guess that may be rooted in how worthy you feel someone is in holding those pieces. [i'm really wishing i had that quote from the movie because it's directly related to that]. basically, YOU determine who is or isn't worthy of holding the pieces to your jigsaw puzzle, so when someone does something to lose them, they are up for grabs, for someone new to step into your life. BUT. as more time passes, it's harder to keep taking pieces back and giving them to others. kind of like how it's hard to open up for the chance of being hurt when you're older.

some people even go as far as just choosing to not let people in. it saves them from hurt or the chance of it, right? but can one say that is really living? technically, yes. but i guess i just think people should pick and choose when to take these chances. not just give up.

this may or may not make much sense, but as long as you get the point i'm trying to make (whether all statements are valid or not) then i am ok with that. i need to sleep, fo real.

AJ

I've been seeing a lot of this cat lately. I've known him since before
I could drive. I got back not too long ago from walking his dog Jack
with him. I'm probably more out of shape than his dog was; I have to
admit I'm pretty tired from the walk. We may be making the walk a
regular thing. Who knows, we'll see.

i'd rather be wine drunk.

how bad is it that i have to remind myself to eat at least more than once a day? i still don't know where my appetite is. i feel a bit uneasy and sort of ill. maybe it was all the caffeine i had today from that matcha green tea and chai tea. i feel extremely shaky right now. site of the day.

cornballer

i'm sitting in peet's right now. i think i've been doing good with being productive. got up early to meet one of my classmates to borrow his book to study for a big astronomy test tomorrow. realized that i actually am a fairly decent typist. i can just look at my book and type everything down and not worry about making mistakes. i'm gonna get started on my french homework, and for once, maybe finish it before 4 or 5 in the morning. i know, i know, but i'm trying to change this procrastination thing up.

thanksgiving this thursday, i'm kind of excited about it. i'm going to spend the early part of the day at andy's aunt's house in diamond bar, meet his family and all. i'm pretty excited. we're going to be in snoop's neighborhood. speaking of snoop, wasn't doggy fizzle televizzle the best tv show on mtv by the way? i really liked it, at least. but i think jordan, andy and i will probably be eating together. i think i'm gonna go to my uncle's after, maybe around evening-ish. holly's coming home tomorrow in the early afternoon. this weekend should be interesting.

i'd also like to add that i think rocky votolato is such a great singer. his voice makes me feel hopeful.. like.. he could sing about tits and ass and i would probably think it still sounded good. yes, he's that good.

tomorrow.

04.11.09

i found it.

birds of a feather flock together.

fes says it's because their moral standards aren't nearly as high. all i have to say is, really? that can hardly be the case because i don't think one necessarily needs HIGH standards to refrain from doing such things. just plain old standards, maybe? what other words can i use here... courtesy, respect, propriety? rectitude may be a good one. seriously, what is wrong with people?

why am i still awake? still slaving away to my french homework. stefan lies, says there's only 8. it looks like there is at least 12-15 assignments. at least there is no class tuesday.

you're tearing me apart, lisa!

i've never laughed harder than i did last night. benny and brian ended up coming with aj, and i went with christina. i am tempted to go see a showing in la when tommy wiseau will be there. i will definitely bring a box of spoons with me next time. aj's birthday is coming up the first week of december, i'll have to think of a good place to take him out for his birthday.

baking gingerbread cookies with allie and ponce tomorrow. also, i would just like to add that i am SO bummed out that i couldn't go see walter at detroit or alex's bar friday or saturday. these are the reasons i wish i were 21.

sweet dreams

went to the toyota dealership with allie today, since she's looking to get a new car. she got into a car accident yesterday that completely totaled her car. completely random, she was on her way to work in the morning and her windshield didn't defrost quickly enough, and then the sun's glare got into her eyes and she hit a maintenance truck. we had a look around and sat in a couple of cars. she even got to test drive one! i think she's going to get the scion xd. it was that or a yaris 4 door hatchback.. but i think the xd won out on this one.

we went to see new moon with nakita at the district after, and went to native foods before then. the tustin location of native foods is so much nicer than all the ones i've been to (aliso, costa mesa, westwood) and i really like the atmosphere there. new moon was eh. i wasn't expecting too much, and i got exactly that. it was basically like the first movie, only less blue tint. allie, on seeing taylor lautner's body: "i want a beer off that 12 pack."

seeing the room tonight with christina, and i think aj and his friend might go too.

i can't really explain how angry i am right now. i never get mad. honest. why is it harder to let people get close to you when you get older? i feel all fragile and shit. more angry than anything though. worst trade off of the year.

i am human and i need to be loved.

i don't have many close friends that have been established for longer than 3 or 4 years, but i am so grateful for the ones that i have. i know they'll more than likely be involved in my life still in the future years to come. it just seems like that, because they're not all in one group but still manage to stay close even though i don't see each of them all very often. i think that says a lot to me.

i hung out with andy and aj (separately, of course) for a good couple hours each today. i love them both. they are my babies. well, not really. but you know what i mean. something andy said today that rings true with how i feel about the current situation i may not be so bummed about anymore: "you want a red flag? he hangs out with ALL and ONLY his high school friends. how depressing."

my stomach is pretty upset right now but i'm going over to watch evangelion with andy now.

make no mistake my friend, your pointless life will end.

i had the strangest dream last night that i was in this empty looking shop, and i was slicing up some girl's body with a sword. yes, a battle axe was present as well. there was some guy in the room who gave off regenerating power, and every time he was in the room, someone would heal. so anyway, maleficent (from sleeping beauty) was in the room, and i think she was planning on killing people.. so i took the sword and beheaded her. it was like cutting a bagel in half.. but there was bone instead of that hole at the center of a bagel. anyway, i left the room for a bit and came back, and she was alive again, except she had forgotten her memory. i get really frustrated at regeneration guy and tell him to get out, and then proceed to behead her again.

new moon with nakita tonight.

so i fucked up but i'm getting on with my life.

la dispute sounds like a really bad rip-off of mewithoutYou. i saw a lot of la dispute shirts when i went to see polar bear club last month. just wondering what all the buzz was about. apparently, nothing.


i'm not ready to meet any more new people. i'm tired of disappointment. investing emotions in people is a tricky feat, and it's harder to do when you're older. my breakup with stepan when i was 16, versus my problems now at age 20 are so much more different. much more complicated. i'm not good at these things.

top 5.

i will try each of these locations before the end of 2009 - hopefully.

my fault. i'm really fucking a lot of shit up here. some wounds never heal. or maybe it will just take a lot of therapy.

me last night. check my post from july 1. pattern?

let's hear it for new york.

captain kirk from j.j abrams' star trek that came out earlier this year.. was in the princess diaries 2!

aside from that. killed a bottle of sailor jerry between me, allie and casey last night. we were all drinking on an empty stomach. to no one's surprise, allie and casey got a toilet each to be sick in, and i got the kitchen sink. the phone is not my friend when i am drunk. but! i did get a lot of things done.. for instance, i made a quesadilla for allie, took the trash out, did laundry because casey got puke on his pants, i even remembered to put my retainer in before i went to sleep. i put the food casey had bought and the food my mom cooked me in the fridge before bed too. i don't know how i didn't burn the house down last night.. but no more drinks for awhile.

now i really need to get started on hw.

dreamy.

wow. that was kind of the breaking point of the week. it had to be an uncalled for, mean comment. there was totally a different way she could've gone about saying that. i don't know, it takes effort to be that harsh. i guess we're just different people. not going to lie, i feel a bit discouraged.

how do YOU know keith sweat?

celebrity crushes of the year:

zachary quinto and jason sudeikis.

why i'm thinking about that at 6am, i couldn't tell you. just finished my french quiz online. i realized that i learned to conjugate prendre much better online via wikipedia than i did from the textbook. what does this all mean? the interwebz halped me to get a 95% on my quiz (because we can do that) versus me using the textbook which would have taken longer.

semi-important dates:

tommy wiseau's the room @ south coast regency theater - nov 21

russian circles @ chain - nov 13

registering for spring semester - nov 20

andrew's 19th birthday - nov 20

midnight showing of new moon with nakita - nov 20

and i think the maltese falcon is playing as a flashback tomorrow in cm, but i don't know if i'll be going to that. i have to go to south coast to drop off my h&m application tomorrow, so who knows. i'm hoping i hear back from someone soon. it's kind of eating away at me. but you know how i am, always wanting instant results.

i don't know if it's a period thing, but i'm fighting strong urges to cry right now.

i need you so much closer.

cramps. started my . yesterday. pain. lists, more lists!

FOR MY COMPUTER
1. buy the hard drive from newegg.com.
2. get the internal hard drive in my computer replaced by renato.
3. install snow leopard and ilife '09.

FOR MY JOB
1. have hayes look over my resume and touch up where it needs to be.
2. email kevin patty.
3. hope for good news from them or h&m.

FOR MY SCHOOL
1. can't miss anymore assignments in french.
2. make up first exam for astronomy.
3. register for spring classes on november 20.
4. must see the vice president of student services before then.

FOR MY LEISURE
1. finish watching evangelion.
2. watch more miyazaki films. i loved howl's moving castle. i know it came out awhile ago, but i haven't gotten teary eyed watching a film in the longest time before i saw howl.
3. find my nintendo 64 and have people come over and play the multiplayer games on pokemon stadium.

late night pasta bake

it needed more sauce, but it was still good.

lists

do you ever find you loan things out to people and never see them again? i've been on both ends of this situation. i'm going to make a list of things i've loaned out:

john - paris, je t'aime (he's had that for almost a year now..)
z - green street hooligans (i'll get this back in sure time though)
southy - shook ones and gayrilla biscuits 7" (i don't know why he has these, but i haven't seen them in well over 1.5 years now)
patrick - vegan freak (i don't know if he read it, but i never got it back, closing in on two years)
holly - the science of sleep (she lost it, and i got that for christmas 3 years ago)

aj - gossip girl season 1

still working on this.

le resultat

ok, because i'm just wondering what people generally think about this egg issue, i've decided to ask people what their opinion is on the matter. here are the current results.

dean: sure for health reasons, no for moral reasons.
andrew: no.
roman: no.
casey: no.
chelsea: yes. says it isn't real meat.
sam: yes. because it isn't fertilized.
linda: no.
stefan: no.
alex: no. "its an unborn chicken, if you incubated it it would be a chicken."
brian: no. "An egg isn't a vegetable, fertilized or not it's an animal's egg."
renato: no.
arthur: yes.
ryan ponce: yes. says that animals that produce eggs do it naturally.
guido: yes. says he can't find a cheaper substitute and that it's part of too many of his meals.
ryan hayes: says yes, but also says he is probably wrong. (can i take this as a no?)
andy: "no, because the hens who laid the eggs live in miserable cramped conditions for their whole lives, and anyone who cared about animals would not knowingly support that treatment of them... to put it simply."
francisco: "i think that keeping chickens caged and in the forced service of humans is wrong, so i would say no."
josh southall: i would say ok. it's not a live animal. I would say it's not a born living thing so it's ok.
emmie: no. "because eggs are soon-to-be chickens, for the most part. i consider them a meat."

NO: 12
YES: 7

just throwing this out there: eggs are NOT vegetarian.

I found this in a blog and thought it explained it pretty well:

"In strict definition however, they are formed by gamate fusion and therefore are carriers of life. They are from animals and not from plants in the broad classification. They are definitely not vegetarian by any definition of that term. Comfort in eating them is fine, but not by confusing the definition of the term.

In Japan there was a similar row over consumption of "human placenta" which was the result of abortion. It is still consumed by some who are not uncomfortable with it. Although it is very nutritious, and until the second trimester does not classify as a fully self sufficient life form no one thinks its vegetarian. Even the non-vegetarian group thinks it is gross cannibalism."

thank you.

conan o' brien on 10/28/09

how'd i get so faithful to my freedom?

i never thought it would take me this long to realize that i wanted the same things as everyone else. i think it was recently that i've kind of decided to get serious about school, i want to graduate and get a job that pays decent enough to live on my own on. i want to find that person, fall in love and get married. buy a house. i want to have kids. i know that.

here's me now:
1. i don't want to date or be in a relationship with anyone. i can confirm this 100% now. hanging out is cool, crushes are cool. it just kind of ends there.
2. i take school more seriously now than i did 4 months ago, but i need to get more serious.
3. i absolutely NEED to get out of debt. i may get my old job at the theater back. maybe i will apply at the regency off crown valley. or the new forever 21 in the mall. i don't know how much i want to work with retail again though.

i don't know where all this came from. maybe it was from watching that movie tonight. i could watch harry potter tomorrow and read fanfiction all day after that. movies, they just do it to me. i mean it though. i have to stop dicking around and quit with the things that don't really matter in the long run. i think i've had enough 'life-experiences' to where i can say that.

this is me now.

christina et sam

options.

But it was only in my head
because no one ever says
what they really mean to say
when there's so much at stake

So I told her I loved her and she told me she loved me
and I mostly believed her and she mostly believed me

(>*_*)>

i went to bed with chapped lips and i woke up with still chapped lips. my nap ended up being too long tonight. for some reason i wanted to take a nap at 10pm instead of a shower and i slept through my arranged talking time with z. big oops. i just can't get back to bed now. i may or may not make some food to eat.

i think d. lee and i may go to the getty later today, hang out and stuff. the weather may be quite perfect for it actually. i have a couple assignments for geology that won't be due until next week i believe? so tomorrow may be a good day to relax. i need stefan's dad's help on my homework. for some reason the second 8 weeks of french is actually pretty hard.

scott confirmed halloween in gv this weekend. i can't wait for this week to be over. i need to get out of the area for a little bit. i feel like i'm suffocating here. bracing myself for what seems to look like an end.

i'm beat, i'm torn, shattered and tossed and worn.

jen's birthday ended up being really fun. i had the weirdest dream that i was walking up a really steep hill and when i got far enough, i'd roll back down the hill as if someone pulled the ground up like a rug and dusted the dust off it. so strange. in my dream, andrew got a tattoo too. i remember putting saran wrap around his arm for some reason and giving him something to put on it. and chairs were nailed to the floor. gravity didn't seem to be a real factor in this dream.

nicole told me she dreamt we were hanging out with dinosaurs. good dreams all around!

why do your eyes get swollen after crying?

Two basic reasons.

When we cry, the fluid from the tears gets absorbed back into the tissue around our eyes (osmosis). This happens to a greater extent if the tears are because of something emotional. Emotional tears are less salty than our usual tears. The natural salt in the fluid already around our eyes basically 'attracts' the extra water into the tissue around the eyes.

In addition to all that...we get an adrenaline rush when we experience strong emotions, like sadness or anger or anything else that can make somebody cry. The adrenaline itself causes blood rush to the skin -- it literally increases swelling. That's why you feel hot when you're angry, and flushed when distraught. All of your muscles, including the muscles around your eyes, are literally filling up with extra blood. This makes the eyes look swollen, too.

The fastest way to get puffy eyes to un-swell is generally said to apply something cold; a cold ice pack, cold tea bags, cold cucumbers -- whatever you have handy.

cry, sleep, wake up, cry some more.

do you ever have one of those moments where you wish you could move
away and start over not knowing anyone? i'm having one of those
moments right now. i think it's called wanting to run away from your
problems. i don't think it's possible for me to, but I wish so badly
to be able to. i really fucked shit up tonight. my head is a mess
right now, i'm crying, things aren't looking good for dear old helen.
not at all.

one cannot be betrayed if one has no people

fo real! i'm trying to be cool to c-monster's friends for his sake. all of it is so petty and unnecessary, the little drama that even comes up. c-monster's old crush and current friend is not cool with him hanging out with me. she thinks he is 'changing'. see? even typing that out sounded stupid.

let's just put it this way. i hope he gets the balls to just talk to her about it and really get through and find out what the real issue is. otherwise, this'll just keep going on and on...

what's the point in dressing up on halloween if i have no plans? i think i might just stay in and watch hitchcock movies. so far nothing has come up that i really want to do, and money is tight since i'm still unemployed. le sigh.

guilty feet have got no rhythm

registration for spring semester starts on october 26. i think i've decided on a major too. i want to talk to a counselor about majoring and minoring. because i think i want to major in geological sciences with an emphasis on paleobiology. i would want to minor in film though, i think that would be pretty cool. uci and ucsc doesn't offer the major i want, so it'll probably end up being santa barbara. it's funny, i did say i didn't want to go there, but at least i'm familiar with the area and i do like the campus. long beach doesn't offer my major either. i need two semesters to get math out of the way, and three for my writing credit. so that'll be about two more years in cc. i'm not bummed, if i can get off academic probation i will probably try and take more than 12 units if it's just major prep work and the other basics. the only thing i'm really struggling with is writing.

hopefully, this will be my schedule for the spring:
m + w : intro to oceanography (one of the major prep classes i need) and music appreciation (i have to make this class up for arts credit)
t : writing 201 (i need to pass this in order to take a writing class that's actually transferable)
th: writing 201 and bio of human sexuality (fills the physical and biological sciences credit)

that's 13.5 units total. i didn't count in the writing lab because that just goes with writing 201. i did 11 units this semester. i'm making progress, i guess that's what matters.

i just want it to be christmas already!

sometimes i resent making friends and acquaintances

i was about to say i didn't drink at all this weekend, but i would have been lying. i just remembered i did at gian's get together on scott's last night in town. earlier that day, christina and i went to VG for lunch and saw new york, i love you right after. two words for that movie - NAW DOG. it was hella bad. it mainly just focused on lust filled relationships. but i will say that bradley cooper is pretty fine. i don't know how i didn't notice it before. but i am throwing that out there right now.

i went to a hockey game last night with casey. it was the anaheim ducks vs. st. louis blues at the honda center. the ducks lost 0-5. that was the first professional sports game i've ever attended. and i actually had a really good time. we are going to see the ducks vs. the chicago blackhawks on november 27th. case and i are seeing polar bear club on wednesday, and then we are getting brunch on sunday. i can't believe we've only been hanging out for a month and half now. it seems so much longer. but i do forget that i live at the speed of light sometimes. i wonder if anyone else feels the same way i do about that.

here's something nice i heard earlier this weekend: andy told me he felt like he had neglected some people when he left to move to SD and tour for awhile. he said that while he was out there meeting new people and just hanging out all over, he learned to appreciate all the people he missed at home. he told me that i was one of the best people in his life. i was really flattered by that. i don't know how to describe our friendship, we've known each other for so long now. i would include him in my wedding party (don't you ever think about that?) as a groomsman if he didn't end up being the groom. we joke about getting married after all is said and done, but neither of us know if that's really a serious possibility.

a certain someone bailed on hanging out tonight.. after flaking on friday. i'm beginning to feel that i can't rely on that person when we make plans (even though i already know that's how it's been). hanging out with casey gives me something to compare that person's behavior to, and i think it makes me miss him less (the other person, not casey). anyway, person and i are supposed to hang out saturday. we'll see how that goes - if it happens.

also, how am i up this late when i don't even have homework? i guess i did sleep from 11-2.

casey

you woke up an asshole, i can't believe my luck.

if i thought i was emotionally drained before this, i'm a little bit more so now. it just turned out to be a huge disappointment. but it wasn't unexpected, i guess. i mean, we all knew going into this that there was a huge risk something similar to this was going to happen because of his inexperience.

i'm trying to get monies together to go to vegas for a day trip on thursday and sf on the weekend. can i manage? i sure hope so. midterms this week! i have to study/do homework all day tomorrow. and i mean ALL DAY. see you babies at peet's.

throw myself into your door

i wish i could see sunny day tomorrow night too. i had such a good night tonight, hanging out with andy and seeing the jealous sound/sunny day and in n out after. good night to end the weekend with. it was a pretty good weekend overall, wasn't it? except hearing about z in that car accident. lucky it wasn't any worse than it was.

school tomorrow, and casey was right. homework was done at 4.

i could strangle something right now. i've been doing homework since 1am now.. and it's 5am. i may as well just pull an all nighter. but then i'm a definite zombie tomorrow all day. worth it? do i have plans? i guess it's just as well. i am debating doing this last assignment, since i've done 20 or so by now.

i just finished. got an 80% on the last assignment. could've done better but i accidentally put the wrong accents on the e's on the last exercise. guh. sleep for 3 hours, i don't know if i'll wake up on time.

it won't be long..

while at disneyland today, california adventure specifically, nak and i saw some little girls probably around 10 years old each.. that were wearing shirts that said, "i <3 hardcore christian boys". i wanted to take a picture of them, but it would have been too obvious.

in addition to my to do list, learning how to jerk is on that as well.

you're a needy girl

i saw him while i was in sb. i think everything is ok now. i told him i loved him.

i have tyler's ultimate on the tv in the background right now. stayed up until 4am doing homework, got up at 830am to get ready for school. i feel like a slob, i need to make a routine for working out and homework. basically, i just need to manage my time better.

some things to do this week:
1. finally call dish for my mom and get cable set up
2. re fold all my clothes (again)
3. go to the gym

shows all weekend, awesome!

going to visit holly at ucsb for the weekend. bringing a coat for sure. i guess nights have been ranging in the 40s. i'm excited about that. sort of like a mini vacation, except that it isn't too far away.

i had a dream last night that i went to his wedding, and i objected when the priest asked if there were any objections.. it was a stressful dream.

135.

is it pointless to wonder why someone doesn't love you?

as spoken to me last night, relationships of any sort should be an exchange, not a transaction.

i just can't take some things too seriously.

I guess I should take Prozac, right, and just smile all night at somebody new..

i suppose i'm not really surprised. no use in dwelling about it, there isn't really much to do about that now. get up kids tomorrow, halloween haunt thursday (i somehow think it will just be me and nakita this year, but that's ok) and i forget what i'm doing friday. oh yeah, renewing my gym pass. maybe i'll trek up to rancho this weekend. i gots some hanging out to do.

yourscenesucks.com

want a description of the perfect guy?


a blend of the post rocker, prehistoric emo, orgcore punker and skramz revivalist.


the job recruiting event was meh. it reminded me faintly of the holiday core training at apple. i don't know if i sold myself to them as a salesperson. i'm not really like that. it's ok though, i'm not seriously looking for a job just yet.

the sun will come out tomorrow

12 pm. 3:30pm. 7pm.

[he hands her his heart]

"you do realize, i'm breaking up with you, right?"

"that's the strange thing. it's actually yours now. i don't know why it works this way, but i'm never going to be able to get over you. and so from now on every girl that i meet will be meticulously compared to you and unfortunately, none of them will be able to measure up to the false memory of what you and i once had."

"well maybe i can just keep it for a little while, use it for small things like if i have a shitty day or i need someone to talk to, or if i need someone to lift something heavy. and then eventually i'll give it back to you when we both find someone new."

"unfortunately, it won't work that way."

"why not?"

"well, now that you have my heart i'm pretty much an empty cavity inside. for a lack of a better term, heartless. i will now treat each woman i meet with a passive aggressive contentiousness, that will ruin relationship after relationship for many years to come."

dreamboat, i tell you...

i hate the french assignments where you have to type out what you're hearing. this is the only assignment i did awful on tonight (out of 20+). FUCK THAT.

i think, no one thinks at all

interesting hang out tonight, to say the least.

i've been awake for approximately 37.5 hours now. how am i still functioning? who knows. i'm going to bed within the next ten minutes (i think).

i feel too old for my age.

héléne le pou

i haven't slept in over 24 hours. no particular reason. i've been on my period for two days now, but i feel way more hopeless than i normally do. i get like that.

i'm not so sure i want to get reacquainted with classmates from high school. have i already spoken about this? it really was a lousy time for me. it humbled me in the long run, and i learned a lot from it.. but seeing everyone i graduated with (or a majority of them, it seems) makes me feel small again. why? i already know i could give less of a shit what they really think, because i'm not the one who's stuck in high school still. at chelsea's party i was the only one there whose face was the only unfamilar one. every one still hangs out with their same friends from high school, and they all go to the same parties. they just remind me of a time when i felt like i was invisible.

i have a new guilty pleasure. taylor swift's you belong with me. i googled the video after kanye's not so surprising outburst at the vma's. and no, i didn't watch it. i heard about the news via twitter (that sounds awful too). anyway, the music video is like a mix of she's all that, varsity blues and other typical teen movies. it ends with her at prom with her next door neighbor who's on the football team. i didn't go to prom my junior or senior year. at the time i didn't think i was missing out on anything, but i kind of wished someone had at least asked me.

ok, no more pity parties for today.

a dreamboat AND manly

moved out of the house, so you moved next door

my iphone screen shattered last night. was it drunken momentum? you'd think it was, but i think it was just momentum. and my bad luck bag. this is the same bag that i lost my driver's license and a hundred dollar bill (on separate occasions, of course). and now my phone. it's probably cursed.

i went to lake elsinore after i woke up to go give my uncle the car key so he could get the new tires on my car. he was probably mad at me for getting there 3 hours after he called. he originally called at 845. i've told him plenty of times before, i'm never up that early just for kicks. he later tells me to go home after he's done, then proceeds to yell at me for not knowing how to do an oil change and change a tire. i just realized when i came home from hanging out with nakita that my house key wasn't on the keychain. he must have taken it off, thinking it was the key to his house that he gave me. instead, it was the key to our house. SO, not only am i extremely offended by that, but i'm pissed off as well about his unrealistic expectations for me. also, that i'll never be good enough for him it seems.

i met up with christina for lunch at veggie grill after by uci, and that was between 3-6 pm ish. that was refreshing, i hadn't seen her in awhile and she just finished her finals, i think. i went home afterwards feeling pretty tired so i took a nap from 6-8. nakita calls me around 8, and we met up at the spectrum to get sushi, visit amber and watch extract. that movie was not that good. got home about an hour ago now i'm just lazing around in my room. i should probably fold my laundry, dust or do something else productive. like learn how to do an oil change.

i was born an animal

ok, so i've narrowed it down to a few good choices for halloween this year.

in no particular order:

gi from captain planet and the planeteers
kairi from kingdom hearts
meilin rae from cardcaptor sakura

midnight pasta dinner

I'm tired but I'm still making food? I haven't eaten since 2pm. I learn a lot from tyler's ultimate on food network. this was the episode i watched and got the inspiration to spice up my food from.

torn about selling one pair of my sdre tickets so i can see thursday/far on one of those nights. what do i do?

also, i got to bed at about 430-5am this morning. i dreamed about mike myers two nights ago, and i saw thirst last night. i get scared easily, so that was why i had a hard time getting to bed. nightmares are so few and far between, but they really do shake me up. i hope tonight won't be like that, as i have class at 930am tomorrow.

this came with my kids meal

the best of friends

nickelback

as aj and i were driving past the verizon wireless amphitheater on the way home from star trek...

me: look, nickelback's playing tomorrow. do people still like nickelback?
aj: i'm the only person you know who likes nickelback.
me: i don't even know any parents that like nickelback. how are they still around?
aj: people who like nickelback probably don't like the internet. they probably eat a lot of carl's jr. and watch a lot of king of the hill.