christina et sam

options.

But it was only in my head
because no one ever says
what they really mean to say
when there's so much at stake

So I told her I loved her and she told me she loved me
and I mostly believed her and she mostly believed me

(>*_*)>

i went to bed with chapped lips and i woke up with still chapped lips. my nap ended up being too long tonight. for some reason i wanted to take a nap at 10pm instead of a shower and i slept through my arranged talking time with z. big oops. i just can't get back to bed now. i may or may not make some food to eat.

i think d. lee and i may go to the getty later today, hang out and stuff. the weather may be quite perfect for it actually. i have a couple assignments for geology that won't be due until next week i believe? so tomorrow may be a good day to relax. i need stefan's dad's help on my homework. for some reason the second 8 weeks of french is actually pretty hard.

scott confirmed halloween in gv this weekend. i can't wait for this week to be over. i need to get out of the area for a little bit. i feel like i'm suffocating here. bracing myself for what seems to look like an end.

i'm beat, i'm torn, shattered and tossed and worn.

jen's birthday ended up being really fun. i had the weirdest dream that i was walking up a really steep hill and when i got far enough, i'd roll back down the hill as if someone pulled the ground up like a rug and dusted the dust off it. so strange. in my dream, andrew got a tattoo too. i remember putting saran wrap around his arm for some reason and giving him something to put on it. and chairs were nailed to the floor. gravity didn't seem to be a real factor in this dream.

nicole told me she dreamt we were hanging out with dinosaurs. good dreams all around!

why do your eyes get swollen after crying?

Two basic reasons.

When we cry, the fluid from the tears gets absorbed back into the tissue around our eyes (osmosis). This happens to a greater extent if the tears are because of something emotional. Emotional tears are less salty than our usual tears. The natural salt in the fluid already around our eyes basically 'attracts' the extra water into the tissue around the eyes.

In addition to all that...we get an adrenaline rush when we experience strong emotions, like sadness or anger or anything else that can make somebody cry. The adrenaline itself causes blood rush to the skin -- it literally increases swelling. That's why you feel hot when you're angry, and flushed when distraught. All of your muscles, including the muscles around your eyes, are literally filling up with extra blood. This makes the eyes look swollen, too.

The fastest way to get puffy eyes to un-swell is generally said to apply something cold; a cold ice pack, cold tea bags, cold cucumbers -- whatever you have handy.

cry, sleep, wake up, cry some more.

do you ever have one of those moments where you wish you could move
away and start over not knowing anyone? i'm having one of those
moments right now. i think it's called wanting to run away from your
problems. i don't think it's possible for me to, but I wish so badly
to be able to. i really fucked shit up tonight. my head is a mess
right now, i'm crying, things aren't looking good for dear old helen.
not at all.

one cannot be betrayed if one has no people

fo real! i'm trying to be cool to c-monster's friends for his sake. all of it is so petty and unnecessary, the little drama that even comes up. c-monster's old crush and current friend is not cool with him hanging out with me. she thinks he is 'changing'. see? even typing that out sounded stupid.

let's just put it this way. i hope he gets the balls to just talk to her about it and really get through and find out what the real issue is. otherwise, this'll just keep going on and on...

what's the point in dressing up on halloween if i have no plans? i think i might just stay in and watch hitchcock movies. so far nothing has come up that i really want to do, and money is tight since i'm still unemployed. le sigh.

guilty feet have got no rhythm

registration for spring semester starts on october 26. i think i've decided on a major too. i want to talk to a counselor about majoring and minoring. because i think i want to major in geological sciences with an emphasis on paleobiology. i would want to minor in film though, i think that would be pretty cool. uci and ucsc doesn't offer the major i want, so it'll probably end up being santa barbara. it's funny, i did say i didn't want to go there, but at least i'm familiar with the area and i do like the campus. long beach doesn't offer my major either. i need two semesters to get math out of the way, and three for my writing credit. so that'll be about two more years in cc. i'm not bummed, if i can get off academic probation i will probably try and take more than 12 units if it's just major prep work and the other basics. the only thing i'm really struggling with is writing.

hopefully, this will be my schedule for the spring:
m + w : intro to oceanography (one of the major prep classes i need) and music appreciation (i have to make this class up for arts credit)
t : writing 201 (i need to pass this in order to take a writing class that's actually transferable)
th: writing 201 and bio of human sexuality (fills the physical and biological sciences credit)

that's 13.5 units total. i didn't count in the writing lab because that just goes with writing 201. i did 11 units this semester. i'm making progress, i guess that's what matters.

i just want it to be christmas already!

sometimes i resent making friends and acquaintances

i was about to say i didn't drink at all this weekend, but i would have been lying. i just remembered i did at gian's get together on scott's last night in town. earlier that day, christina and i went to VG for lunch and saw new york, i love you right after. two words for that movie - NAW DOG. it was hella bad. it mainly just focused on lust filled relationships. but i will say that bradley cooper is pretty fine. i don't know how i didn't notice it before. but i am throwing that out there right now.

i went to a hockey game last night with casey. it was the anaheim ducks vs. st. louis blues at the honda center. the ducks lost 0-5. that was the first professional sports game i've ever attended. and i actually had a really good time. we are going to see the ducks vs. the chicago blackhawks on november 27th. case and i are seeing polar bear club on wednesday, and then we are getting brunch on sunday. i can't believe we've only been hanging out for a month and half now. it seems so much longer. but i do forget that i live at the speed of light sometimes. i wonder if anyone else feels the same way i do about that.

here's something nice i heard earlier this weekend: andy told me he felt like he had neglected some people when he left to move to SD and tour for awhile. he said that while he was out there meeting new people and just hanging out all over, he learned to appreciate all the people he missed at home. he told me that i was one of the best people in his life. i was really flattered by that. i don't know how to describe our friendship, we've known each other for so long now. i would include him in my wedding party (don't you ever think about that?) as a groomsman if he didn't end up being the groom. we joke about getting married after all is said and done, but neither of us know if that's really a serious possibility.

a certain someone bailed on hanging out tonight.. after flaking on friday. i'm beginning to feel that i can't rely on that person when we make plans (even though i already know that's how it's been). hanging out with casey gives me something to compare that person's behavior to, and i think it makes me miss him less (the other person, not casey). anyway, person and i are supposed to hang out saturday. we'll see how that goes - if it happens.

also, how am i up this late when i don't even have homework? i guess i did sleep from 11-2.

casey

you woke up an asshole, i can't believe my luck.

if i thought i was emotionally drained before this, i'm a little bit more so now. it just turned out to be a huge disappointment. but it wasn't unexpected, i guess. i mean, we all knew going into this that there was a huge risk something similar to this was going to happen because of his inexperience.

i'm trying to get monies together to go to vegas for a day trip on thursday and sf on the weekend. can i manage? i sure hope so. midterms this week! i have to study/do homework all day tomorrow. and i mean ALL DAY. see you babies at peet's.

throw myself into your door

i wish i could see sunny day tomorrow night too. i had such a good night tonight, hanging out with andy and seeing the jealous sound/sunny day and in n out after. good night to end the weekend with. it was a pretty good weekend overall, wasn't it? except hearing about z in that car accident. lucky it wasn't any worse than it was.

school tomorrow, and casey was right. homework was done at 4.

i could strangle something right now. i've been doing homework since 1am now.. and it's 5am. i may as well just pull an all nighter. but then i'm a definite zombie tomorrow all day. worth it? do i have plans? i guess it's just as well. i am debating doing this last assignment, since i've done 20 or so by now.

i just finished. got an 80% on the last assignment. could've done better but i accidentally put the wrong accents on the e's on the last exercise. guh. sleep for 3 hours, i don't know if i'll wake up on time.

it won't be long..

while at disneyland today, california adventure specifically, nak and i saw some little girls probably around 10 years old each.. that were wearing shirts that said, "i <3 hardcore christian boys". i wanted to take a picture of them, but it would have been too obvious.

in addition to my to do list, learning how to jerk is on that as well.

you're a needy girl

i saw him while i was in sb. i think everything is ok now. i told him i loved him.

i have tyler's ultimate on the tv in the background right now. stayed up until 4am doing homework, got up at 830am to get ready for school. i feel like a slob, i need to make a routine for working out and homework. basically, i just need to manage my time better.

some things to do this week:
1. finally call dish for my mom and get cable set up
2. re fold all my clothes (again)
3. go to the gym

shows all weekend, awesome!

going to visit holly at ucsb for the weekend. bringing a coat for sure. i guess nights have been ranging in the 40s. i'm excited about that. sort of like a mini vacation, except that it isn't too far away.

i had a dream last night that i went to his wedding, and i objected when the priest asked if there were any objections.. it was a stressful dream.